I have been the Queen of procrastination lately, but I really have to get on things tonight. I want to go to Wett Bar tomorrow, because it's the last night that Anna will have a hook-up there. We'll never be able to pass the line and get a VIP booth with no cover again, so I must take advantage. Tonight, I will start writing my essay and maybe even finish my assignments. I have to, or I'll be wanting to kill myself Sunday night.

On a happy school note though, I got 91 on my second Latin-American midterm, which kicks ass. She said that the grades for the midterm actually came to be an almost perfect Bell curve, meaning the majority of the class got around 66-ish. Meaning, only two or three people got an A, meaning I am one of them. I'm glad I recieved that mark back today because now I'm feeling rather smart and conceited, which is great because I'll have more incentive to work on my other essays coming up.

This has been really boring, and I'm sorry. I'm just not thinking of anything else but this dream interpretation essay I have to write. Cool topic, I know, but I don't know where to begin, or which dream to choose. One that had some kind of significance to Cody and that whole issue.

Oh yeah, I just remembered something. So I was having that big fight with my high school friends, blah blah blah if you didn't catch all of it, read up here. Things are still not resolved, but I did write Tami back about what she wrote to me, and then we talked on the phone yesterday. Things with her have been semi-patched up, in that at least there is a higher level of understanding between us. But, I was a little upset because it was her birthday yesterday and a whole bunch of people went out for sushi. I was invited a long time ago, but so was Cody so I never responded to the invitation really because I was waiting to see if he was going to be there (plus the whole being mad at them thing, mostly). So I decided after Tami and I talked that I really did want to go and see everyone, plus it was her 20th birthday. Everything was lovely, until Tami called me late Tuesday night to warn me that she heard that Cody, Marcel (his friend from track I don't like at all) and Caroline were all coming.

It was really good of her to warn me of that, because if I had just gone and him and his girlfriend were there I think I would have had a heart attack. I mean really, I think I'd have sat down, tolerated the situation for two minutes, excused myself to the washroom and run away. I guess I can't say what exactly would have happened but it would not have been good. So I thanked her over and over for being considerate and thinking to warn me, and she said she totally understood if I didn't want to come anymore and that she wasn't going to be hurt at all. So I didn't go.

Since then I've been feeling really angry. It's almost like, it doesn't even matter if I've been making such an effort to stay away from him...he's still there. I can't escape him no matter what I do, he is always interfering with my friendships with those people. I felt like shit, because it's almost as if he "won" in a way - we're both going to our friends birthday, and yet he gets to go with his girlfriend and I'm the wimp who backs down and decides I'm still to messed up to see him. I talked to Shell about it and she tried to convince me that it could just as easily be taken the other way - that I just don't care about them (or him) anymore and it shows him that I don't need to be everywhere that he is.

It's true that I guess this is a progression, though still not a healthy way of thinking. Before, I'd have cried and cried over the fact that he was with his girlfriend somewhere where I wasn't, plus with all of my friends. I'd have wanted to be there, just to see them together and cause myself more pain, so that I could go home and cry about it for the rest of the week. Now, I'm refusing to be anywhere he is going to be and rather than sad I'm getting angry. For the rest of the night I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to kick his ass (or his girlfriend's, or both). It's just like...when is Cody going to die already?

I asked Anna the other day if she believed that anyone really got over their exes. Do you think so? Is there ever going to be a time where I truly don't care about anything? I mean really, truly not caring about a single thing to do with him. We always talk about moving on, and not feeling hurt if he's with someone else, etcetera...but that doesn't mean there isn't an awkwardness still, or that you can be friends at all, or that the little things don't piss you off sometimes. Is it even possible to really let go of someone you were in a relationship with, especially a first love?

You know the saying - you never get over your first love. God, that is awful if it is true. Cody truly wounded me for life, the bastard. I hope I wounded him too, though I wonder if he even thinks of me at all anymore. I was just wondering on Tuesday if he even considered the fact that I may be there, and if it would be okay for his girlfriend to come along. Did he even stop to think, I wonder if Krista will come? Did he think, maybe I shouldn't go, maybe Caroline shouldn't go...or did he just go ahead and forget about my existence? If he did think about me, what was he thinking? Was it true consideration for my feelings, or was it more like, damn Krista might be immature about it and fuck things up...

I don't really understand at all how the male mind works. I can't decide if I believe he is thinking about me or not. I haven't called in so long that he must have wondered at least once what happened. But do men just push thoughts like that out of their mind? They don't want to deal with anything that could be potentially upsetting, right? I have no idea. Cody was never the kind of guy to dwell on anything that would cause conflict, so I assume he has practically forgotten about me.

Just thinking about what it would have been like to walk into the restaraunt and see him right there, with Caroline - it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so nervous about seeing him again, and it's been so long that I've over-hyped the situation so now it is such a huge deal to me. I don't want to have to face it anytime soon, I'm just way too scared. I don't want to look at him again and have all of those feelings rush back to me. His presence always makes my heart beat faster, and I seem to just melt...and I wish I could cuddle up to him but I can't. I can hardly concentrate on anything else but him because he is so beautiful, and funny...I'm scared of being around him again, and then having to be struck with all of those emotions for the billionth time - no, I'm not his girlfriend anymore, and no I can't hold his hand when we sit beside each other, and he's not going to talk to me, he's not going to ask me any questions. Sitting in a room with him, I can feel his aura everywhere I want to walk over to him and sit on his lap, feel his arms wrap around me and pull me into him, and then feel his lips kiss my neck...and nothing will have ever changed...

The next time I see him, I may feel all of this again...and I am scared of the outcome...when I come home that night, will I be okay?


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