I'm unhappy with them and with the entire situation. I don't even like being around them that much, but it isn't just them personally, it's the simple fact that they remind me of my past. It hurts me and I am much happier around my friends who either have no connection to Cody whatsoever, or they hate him enough to want to kick his ass everytime he's a jerk. So I begin to wonder, what am I really losing if I do give up on these people? I know that it's a fact I don't feel good around them anymore. So why am I bothering putting myself through the pain and stress every single time I have to deal with their relationships with Cody? If I'm trying to get Cody out of my life in every way, being friends with them doesn't help. Being friends with them is like keeping a constant reminder of Cody and high school right there with me, and it honestly hurts...a lot.

So choice number one is that I decide once and for all that I really have to sever the ties with these people, because they're not worth the suffering.

But how can anyone just stop being friends with a person they've known for years? Shannon and I have a history that cannot be denied. Maybe we don't see eye to eye very much anymore, but ending that friendship is like...I don't even know. Shannon is one of the few that is not just high school, she's my entire childhood. I don't want to lose her, and I don't think it's wise of me to make such a drastic decision about the group as a whole. What if, six months from now, I decide I can tolerate going out if Cody is there, but it will be too late because I've already decided I can't be friends with them anymore?

Of course the easiest thing to do in this situation is get over him for good and truly not care if he's there or not. Even if I do care now, I could always start reintroducing myself to the crew again, putting myself through torture for a while until I became immune to Cody's presence. That is probably the smartest thing to do, but it's easier said than done. I don't want to suffer like that. I don't want to feel that sort of pain...I'm so done with crying over him, getting mad at friends because of him, feeling jealous when he's around...I just don't want him anywhere that I am going to be to avoid the conflict.

Tami emailed me a couple days ago because she heard from "some people" that I was mad at them. Word travels fast in the high school clique. So she went on this rant about how it wasn't fair to make them choose between him and I, and that this wasn't something they should be brought into because it's something Cody and I have to resolve between the two of us, etcetera. She was wrong about a lot of things though. This isn't a matter of me thinking Cody shouldn't be friends with them necessarily, and it's not that I think he shouldn't be invited or that I'm not invited if he's going to be there. I can't think of a nice way to say to them that it hurts me for a lot of reasons, but most of all they're a symbol of a past I don't want to be involved with anymore. Tami is so stuck on us all remaining one big happy group, but I really don't care if that happens or not. I've come to really dislike half of them anyway, and I am much happier with the people I know are my true friends. Where she wants to keep everyone together forever, I'm thinking...give it up already. My mom has always told me that in a few years, I'd probably still have one or two friends from high school and that would be it. For some reason, I'd always thought my group of friends was different, and that we'd be middle aged and still hanging out all the time. I feel like the bells are finally going off - *ding ding* - high school friendships in large part do not last.

I always knew that Cody and I breaking up would screw things up in a serious way, so I guess that is what happened and it's not like I can change it now. I had assumed that the friends that I had brought into the group through him and I being a couple would always stick with me, but I assumed a lot of things that were way off base.

Ditch my old friends, keep my old friends and tolerate Cody, or try to propose that I maintain my distance with them until I can tolerate him? I can't see why that would appeal to them in the slightest though, it's probably the most selfish thing I've ever heard. Hey, I still want to be your friend, but I'm not going to talk to you or hang out with you until I feel like I want to again, okay?

This is some very unnecessary stress. This entire week can fall under the category "Unnecessary Stress". Remember that essay I was writing about Quebec that I thought was due Friday (yesterday)? Apparently, it's due Monday - which is actually alright because that means I don't have to worry about writing it right now. But on top of that unnecessary sleep deprivation stress, I slept through my alarm this morning and was an hour late for work when it was very important that I was there to open with Kevin, so I got bitched out big time by one of my bosses, and that put me in a bad mood - especially since Jess showed up an hour and fifteen minutes late in the afternoon and nobody said a word about it. Blah.

I think I am going to take my tea to the bathtub and make one of my master lists. I'm a huge fan of lists, and once in a while I make big ones, like Things I Am Grateful For, Places I Want to See, 100 Things I Have To Do Before I Die...that sort of thing.

I don't think it's that I'm really unhappy right now, it's more of a stress-related thing. I just took a rest on my bed for a few minutes and put on the acoustic version of "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews, and I took some deep breaths and closed my eyes...even those few moments helped.

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