about me
charm designs

June 18, 2004 12:45 a.m.

I feel like I will soon be entering a new phase in my life. I have been travelling through a phase for the last two years, one I enjoyed quite greatly. I adjusted to my new university and learned to love it to death. I made it my second home, I made new friends, I made myself work hard. My grades don't always show it anymore, but I know I work hard on a lot of things. This isn't necessarily reflected through percentages.

I learned a lot about myself, and yet I'm still confused. I met a guy I realized I could really love, and then he left. I changed my focus in school, and this time for good. I still don't know where I stand, really. I'm asked constantly, "so what are you going to do with your degree?" and the best one of all, "so when are you graduating?". Um, I don't know. Because I hardly know what I'm doing anymore, I'm just...doing it. I'm doing it until I finish. And when I'm done, I hope I'll be in a more knowledgable place than I am right now.

I was content for the past couple years, knowing I was adjusting to my new life as a normal, relatively happy girl who is capable of - well, a lot of things really. I readjusted myself back into the real world. I am back on track. I am ready. Ready for what? Ready to let life lead me in the right direction, I suppose.

I feel that the next school year will be important. I want good grades and I want to know what to do with my life. I have ideas, but each idea is clouded by doubts. They file in line one after another...once I'm through with one, another is knocking on the door, reminding me of how I'm naturally not suited for something. The problem is, I love a lot of things. The other problem is, I'm introverted. Extroverted people don't get what it's like to be introverted, to not want to be in the limelight, to not want to be in charge of things. Why does every career thought that crosses my mind entail being a leader of some sort? I know I'm not meant to do that. So what the hell?

I'm rambling; I know I am incoherent to a degree. I just can't figure out what the hell to do with myself anymore. Here is my deal: I love babies. I adore babies to death, I would love to do anything that involves babies. But is this because I want babies of my own? Would I be content with my own babies and then having a job on the side that is not child-related so that I could concentrate my baby love on my own family? What the hell kind of job can you get with babies that isn't some minimum wage daycare job? Here's my other deal: I love writing. But I'm really not all that good. I admit to being a little more naturally skilled at expressing my feelings than others perhaps, but beyond that I would say I am at best a satisfactory writer. I enjoy editing, but I am even good enough for that? Am I even getting the right degree? Would I be able to stand sitting on my ass all day editing god knows what for hours at a time? Maybe.

How do people get jobs in the real world? I'm 22 years old and I feel completely lost. After university...what do you do with yourself? I messed up my post-secondary education enough that I have two more years there. Two years to figure life out.

The boy comes back in about 5 weeks.

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