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what's happening?
May 16, 2004 10:47 a.m.

Last night was classically horrible.

I went out with my old group of friends in celebration of a birthday - a handful of girls who I am still close to and best friends with, but everyone else, not at all. It was a guys birthday who I barely even talk to, so why did I go? Remind me again? I felt uncomfortable before even stepping foot outside my house because a) my outfit was slightly whoreish (ie. I felt fat), b) my skin has been really gross lately and thus I had to wear a pound of makeup just to look semi normal, and c) I was feeling emotional about the above two things, plus my questioning why I was going when I didn't want to go, plus missing my boyfriend and being emotional about that whole Australia ordeal. I actually had a breakdown while getting ready and had to take a little breather and cry for 15 minutes before resuming. That is always a bad sign. I should have known better.

But, in trying to be a trooper I went and I was alright for the first three hours. Danced at the disgusting club I never want to go to again. Music was good as usual, and I drank too much. I don't remember what happened next really, but something set me off I guess, and led to me bawling in the bathroom for at least half an hour, maybe longer, with two of my best friends trying to coax me out. I don't even know what was wrong, I was just hysterically crying. The only thing I could say to justify it was "I miiiissssss Maaaaaatttt sssoooooooo muuuuccccch". So I'm going to say that was my reason for creating high-school-esque drama, even though I think it was really more than that. It was the billion issues associated with that, it was my own self-esteem issues I've been having recently, it was my feeling depressed and being mad at myself for even getting emotional in front of people. The entire scene felt like I'd gone back in time 4 years. I could pick out scenes exactly like that four years ago and they would be virtually identical.

This scares me a lot, because I have not pulled something like this in a long time. This was an extreme and it was the kind of thing I'd do when I was depressed.

So what happened, and what does it mean? Am I depressed again? I would say maybe. I wouldn't say yes, but I also wouldn't say no. I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I need to sort it out. I just feel so frustrated and like I can't figure out what's going on with me lately. I think a lot, we all know this. And after all this thinking, I still don't understand. I am considering going to the doctor again and getting anti-depressants. That wouldn't be such a bad thing, right? I shouldn't feel like I've somehow failed for having to go back on them. I am not suicidal or anything like that, I'm just going through a little bit of a rough time. If they help me cope a little, I think that it would be a smart idea. I'm thinking about my health, right?

I don't know anymore.

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