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the one thing I tried to hold on to
April 28, 2004 11:34 a.m.

I feel like my world is falling apart all over again. This time I am more mature, of course. I'm older. I know better, but I can't help feeling the same pain in my chest, the same emptiness and insecurity.

Numbness has set in. I cry but I can't really feel much, and I can't pinpoint why I am crying. I don't know what I'm upset about most, and if you were to ask me why I'm mad, I'm not even sure I could articulate it. I feel so stupid for that.

He is most likely not coming back until mid-September now. I can't think of anything else to say. I feel like I just want to crawl into bed and miss this entire summer. I don't want to think about anything, I just want him to come home. I want to see him step off that plane and wrap me in one of his bear hugs, and I never want him to leave me again.

I keep wanting to say, "this is the most painful thing I've ever been through", but I don't know if it's true. My past heartbreak/depression was pretty damn painful. I think that they are a different kind of pain. This time, I am actually in love in an adult sort of way. That doesn't discount my teenage love; it's just an acknowledgment that they are different.

What do I want out of this? Why am I so mad, so resentful, so hurt? Should I tell him I love him? Should I wait for him?

I have no idea. It's as if I need to do some more thinking, but I can't even fathom how I need to think of him more than I already do. I think of him every minute of my life it seems. I think about us, I think about how I feel about him. I try to figure this out, but I am still at a loss. When we talk about it, I have no words...just anger.

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