about me
charm designs

April 22, 2004 11:48 a.m.

I was going to do a "life update" entry, but I don't have the energy right now - I will later, promise. I just need to write from the heart about what's happening right now, in the present.

I have to admit this to someone, anyone, even if it's just online. I have been very depressed this year so far, and I know it is because of my boyfriend leaving for Australia. There is a whole story behind that none of you know about, but I'll explain another time. I just need to vent.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Maybe I need help, I don't know. I'm going to go to the bookstore today and look up some self-help books, praying there's something in the realm of "how to move on when your boyfriend goes on a very long trip with no set return date and you sort of broke up but not really and you're losing your mind".

We were together for six months before he left, and around the five and a half month mark it hit me - I knew I loved him. I fell in love, and then he left. He emails me often but it is excruciating being away from him. Today is April 22 - it has been 3 months today from the last time I saw him, touched him. I last heard his voice on March 8 I believe it was...he hasn't called me since. There is a lot he isn't telling me, I find out through other sources, random people I happen to know who met up with him down there. It's a very small world. He still writes me every couple of days, with "still not sure what to do about going to Thailand, don't know anything, don't know when I'm coming home, I feel weird telling you about the girls I meet on my trip, bla bla bla...miss ya". Miss ya?

I feel like I just want to die. I've been fighting the depression for several months - it all started long before he left, with all the talks about his trip, all the realizations we'd have to "break up". It was supposed to be the best option. I just can't hold it in any longer. I need to cry, I need to curl up in a ball and never want to wake up. I need to want to kill myself, I need to be mad at him for leaving me, for being everything I've ever wanted in a man and then cutting me off in an instant. I need to resent him for making me worry, for not being here to comfort me, to sooth my anxieties and ease my frustrations. I hate him sometimes. But of course, I don't. I almost wish I did, so that I'd be one step closer to getting over this.

If anyone out there reading this has been in a similar situation, please leave me a message in my book or something...anything. I feel so alone and I have no idea how to handle this.

<< || >>