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maybe I shouldn't be surprised
December 14, 2003 5:34 p.m.

Something bad could happen here, or nothing could happen at all.

I am still baffled how it is that some people just cannot stay out of my life. No matter how much I try to block them out, they just keep sneaking back in the most unsuspecting ways. Message to God: I am pretty sure I have had closure by now. If you'd be so kind to let me in on why my past must continuously haunt me, I'd be ever so grateful...

I know it sounds contradictory already - if I had truly had closure, my past wouldn't be haunting me, right? I swear this is different. This is like purposeful haunting digging at my weakest spots for no apparent reason. I have put in a solid effort throughout the past three years all in the name of making these people go away. Not always in a bitter way, just in a matter-of-fact acknowledging way, knowing it was best for me and for them to go our own ways. I made new friends, in turn disconnecting myself from the chains of (a lot of) my high school clique. I met new guys and had my short-lived stint of promiscuity. I got over it. I took on new jobs and quit old ones. I changed schools twice. I met a new guy, have been with him for almost five months now and I care about him a lot. I like my life and I have very few regrets.

Maybe it's that this is a small city, but I am ever so shocked to find out that all of my worlds are somehow twistedly connected, and my new boyfriend, whom I want more than anything to love me is - what do you know! - friends with the very people I'd shun from existence if I could. My existence that is, not existence in general - I'm not that bitter. I am truly not the type to hold grudges. What I have strived for all these years during the "moving on" process seems like it's coming full circle, back to the root of my problems, back to the people I want so badly to just... leave me alone. I'm not asking for some strange closure between myself and the extended friends of Mr. Ex-Boyfriend. I couldn't care less about them, so long as they stop annoying me with their presence. Why does this happen? What is the reason for me to have to face this over, and over, and over again?

I feel like God is trying to tell me something, but I can't figure out what. Usually I can, by combining a lot of logic with some spirtuality and there's your reason things must just "be". This time around, I truly don't understand it. I feel like screaming to the world, WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS THINK I'M SCREWED UP? What's a girl to do when fate just keeps pushing the bad memories back on her, as if just out of pure spite, just to play with her head?

I absolutely hate that I'm thinking about those goddamned people that serve absolutely no purpose in my life other than bothering me. They do not deserve to be in my life, have I not been through enough? I feel like I'm being punished for something and I have no idea what I did, and it hurts.

It all started with my group of friends slowly incorporating one of the so-called "goddamned people" into our group, much to my dismay, but I did what I had to - I distanced myself away. He just came back. He dated my best friend, secretly of course - don't tell Krista, she'll freak out if she knew! Yes I would have, but not at her so much, it's just the principle. The very concept of him coming back into my life...but why? They broke up, but all of a sudden he's everyone's best friend, along with the rest of the trackies - and that's fine since I've shunned myself at the same time as slowly being shunned. I accept the decisions I made. But now, this? I'm sorry, but give me a fucking break.

I think I'm upset because I feel like something out there is trying to tell me I'm not supposed to be this happy. I feel constantly pressured to return to my fragile state and I don't understand why. Am I not in my element? Am I not living my life as I should be? How is that possible, after coming so far...

I'm so, so sick of this happening. If I had a nickel for every time...

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