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to confess or not
October 08, 2003 9:55 p.m.

Where was I? Oh yes, trying to re-enter the Diaryland world.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not even here anymore, I'm just existing as this make-believe girl that I did a damn good job convincing everyone else is real. It just really boggles my mind to think of how different I was just a year or two ago, but alas I suppose this is what "growing up" is all about.

Every once in a while, when I'm bored in class or looking for a reason to be emotional about something, I start thinking about if and when to tell the boyfriend about my sob-story past. Is it necessary? Yes, I think it is at some point. Or isn't it? Honestly, I don't know how to answer this. In a way I feel like I'm decieving him by not making him aware of the fact I'm prone to depression and have been through some really rough times before where I wanted to hurt myself. On the other hand, it doesn't seem completely relevant to our situation now - not completely relevant, but nevertheless I do believe it's relevant on some level. I'm still emotional, I'm still moody. That is something about me that will never change, and I know he doesn't understand it. All I say right now is that I'm "just like that" - true enough. Do I need to tell him I've had problems with depression before? What about the fact I actually saw a therapist for a few months, and even took anti-depressants?

Not now I don't think, but eventually, if this does become more settled, more definite in being long-term. I'm so scared of him knowing...he sees me as this perfect, smart, cute girl who isn't - well - to put it simply, screwed up. Not that I'd say right now I'm screwed up; I'm the most normal I can ever remember being in my entire life. I'm just so scared of tainting his image of me, and on that note I'm wondering if it's perhaps a bad idea to wait too long - if I wait too long to spill my guts, will he feel decieved knowing he's been with me ___ months and had no idea? I think that if I were him, I might.

I just really do not want to scare him, because I know that I would, at least a little bit...he gets scared enough when I'm in a bad mood and doesn't know how to help me...

All I have ever wanted in my life is to be loved for who I am underneath it all...and I really, really want this one to be the one to do that.

When I look into his eyes, I feel something I've never felt before...a sense of security. I can see our future unfold and I just know that somehow, it is meant to be this way.

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