about me
charm designs

this was always home
September 27, 2003 10:34 p.m.

I am going to try to come back, for real.

I read back in my archives for the billionth time and I cried for a long time. This diary I have kept for the past three years, almost four, is who I am, it explains my existence in a way nothing else can. In this diary I see myself live through every emotion possible, and I see myself thinking about life in general and figuring out what fate holds for me. I see myself as who I really am, not as someone I am trying to be.

There is a rawness to this place that I will never be able to recreate anywhere else.

I had to stop when I felt this was unsafe, but right now I feel safe. I don't know why, I don't know if I should feel that way.

I know that by now, most of my "fans" aren't reading anymore, but I'm okay with that. I just need to be back, I need to continue my story, because it is far from over...very, very far.

I am still with my new guy, and things are going well, besides my internal need for attention constantly and my severe mood swings that still haven't let up. All part of the fun of who I am. Those of you who know my past know that it really is part of who I am. I had a really bad mood swing attack tonight, and ended up crying for a good hour about nothing. I think I was crying because I felt like crying, which upset me because it didn't make sense and I was mad at myself for feeling like I wanted to cry when there was no reason to.

I was mad at the boyfriend, for a little bit of a legit reason, mostly that he doesn't know how to be a "boyfriend" in a lot of ways yet and it's getting to the point where I need to get mad at him to make him understand I'm serious. I just don't want him to see me like this, but he needs to sooner or later. Not right now I don't think, but eventually. I can't hide this forever, and I refuse to.

I just want him to love me for everything I am, as anyone does.

<< || >>