It really hit me that I haven't changed, and not only that, I don't think I will ever be able to.

My "change" in personality has not been one in personality but one in learning how to disguise and control my psychotic tendencies. For a solid year now I've been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I do not even have those tendencies anymore, that they are a figment of my past life and I am incapable of feeling those emotions ever again. I couldn't fathom feeling the way I did. I thought it would never resurface...but it did.

A lot of it had to do with PMS, a very, very bad case of PMS, possibly one of the worst cases I've had before. I woke up feeling angry. I could not stop thinking about this one guy for a second and it started to consume me, and I didn't understand it at all. The thing is, I didn't even try to stop and think about it, and understand it, which was my very first mistake. I just let my emotions start to carry me and it began to build upon itself. It manifested into irrationality, and I found myself feeling torn, heartbroken, crushed to pieces and hopeless for absolutely no reason...as if I'd been hurt almost, not necessarily by him, but by someone. I talked to him later in the evening when I'd reached a solid state of craziness, and then I blew up.

It became a night from hell, a night I could have picked out of any night during my period of deep depression. It was just purely classic, it was depression all over again, down to the detail. I felt my insides get hot and firey, and rise from my bottom all the way up, up, I could feel it flowing through my veins and swarming my blood, my organs, everything...trickling...my head was spinning and I couldn't even think, I just spat out things that are sure signs of depression, the accusations, pity pleas, grovelling for forgiveness, even mild suicide threats. I put one of the people I care for the most in the world through hell, for no reason.

Then started the crying, the bawling. It was uncontrollable and so deep it felt like it was tearing my insides apart. I just wanted to reach inside of my chest and tear everything apart myself because the pressure hurt so badly. I crawled slowly into a fetal position on my computer chair and just sobbed, digging my nails into my legs as hard as I could. I couldn't see anything, I couldn't hear anything, and all I could think was, I can't believe this is happening, I thought I wasn't like this anymore.

Then he started saying things like that I was different now, and that just made me bawl for hours. I'm still not over it, not because it was a mean thing for him to say, but because it made me think about my friendship with him, and with everyone else I know really. About how I had always thought that of anyone in the world, he cared about me no matter how I was acting - but I'd never acted that way around him before. And when I did, that was it...now things feel different. I'm so ashamed of who I am.

I had this overwhelming feeling, again, for the millionth time in my life, that no guy is ever going to love me for who I am. I will always have to hide that part of me, and it hurts to know that. I hate being the way I am. To most people, the quirks about their personalities are what define them, but I don't want to be defined in this way. I'd give anything to get rid of my moodiness, my depression, my fucked up hormonal problems. But I can't change it, it's ingrained in me...it's chemically ingrained.

I don't know if anyone will be able to put up with me for real. I may just have to keep myself restrained forever. It took a year for me to explode, and I'm so fucked up now. I feel like I'm living in a dream world...not sleeping, not eating. The dizziness feels comforting, the fantasies of driving my car off the bridge. I listen to CDs in my car I fonding refer to as my "depression CDs", that is the CDs I just happen to listen to a lot during my suicidal days. One of them is Savage Garden.

I turned that on today, and for a few moments I felt the same as I did three years ago. It was like not a single thing had changed. After having a ridiculous fight over MSN with him last night, and the bawling, the pressure in my chest, and feeling like I wanted to curl up on my floor with a bottle of asprin and just die...I felt like I'd just broke up with a boyfriend, even though it was nothing like that. I created that kind of world for myself. The reality was so far from that but I'm still not sure I see it, I'm still half way there.

Here I was going along thinking I wasn't obsessive anymore, I wasn't crazy...I think I've been kidding myself. It will always be inside of me. I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know any guy who can handle me. But I really wish you could. I just don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't want to feel bad for being like this. I want someone to cuddle me up to them, hold me tight, kiss my cheeks and tell me they love me for being like this.

God...I try so, so hard that I don't even know what it's worth anymore. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. I am just so screwed up. I want more than anything in this life to be mentally healthy, and then, maybe, somebody will love me.

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