I need to let my guard down. All of my realizations are interconnected in some way or another, main point being I have been sheltering myself for years now. I really only started feeling "single" a couple of months ago...I was still under Cody's wrath, still feeling like he was holding me down, or that my emotions were holding me down and preventing me from ever really being with anyone else. I guess the intense crush on soccer-boy really did have good implications, even though it didn't work out entirely as expected, it taught me a huge lesson.

I always thought I was "over" Cody and that I'd ventured out into the new and exciting world of university life as I'd never experienced before, and I had in part. But I was still painfully shy despite having in my mind convinced myself I had learned to open up. I really hadn't learned that yet, so it starts now. I am going to break down this brick wall I've built around myself and I'm going to be the person I am, in front of everyone. I shouldn't feel the need to hide myself away like a little unknown secret that some brave guy needs to dig for. I am unavailable to the world, but I want so badly to be available.

I'm terrified of men, because I think they're going to hurt me. Even the nicest most gentle ones scare me, I want them to back off because maybe deep down I think that those kinds are the ones that will hurt me the most - I could easily fall for them, they could easily break my heart. I can be a bitch to any player who tries to pick me up, but I can't be a bitch to the nice ones. What needs to change here is that I need to stop thinking of guys in terms of long-term relationship material and how they're going to potentially hurt me in the future, and start thinking of them as people I can be myself around and have fun with in the moment.

I'm too serious, and I shouldn't be. When I meet a guy I judge him to be marriage material or not, and as most aren't in my picky little mind, I tend not to have crushes on anyone. They're too this, too that, they smoke too much pot, their major isn't going to get them a good enough job for me, they don't believe in God, they're kind of immature...stop it. I'm 20, almost 21. I'm missing out on an entirely different side of life that all of my school friends are so much a part of. It's called a sex life. I am clueless when it comes to the world of "seeing someone". I'm seeing so-and-so, oh we're just seeing each other, also known as sleeping with each other. Sex and Love are two different things. I've always known that, but I want them so badly to be one and the same. The cold, hard truth of it all is that they totally aren't.

I'm being brutally honest with myself here, but it's true. I need more sexual experience, and I feel like I'm missing out. I'm not one to normally think that if everyone else is doing it, I should too, but sometimes you have to look at a situation and really wonder why you're one of the small minority not doing what everyone else is. This will make me happier, it will make me relate more to my girl friends at school, it will make me detach even further from everything Cody and it will be a new chapter of my life. So this is what I've come up with for summer.

This is exciting and scary at the same time.

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