I didn't mean to put you in a position where you have to choose one of us. I didn't mean to get involved, it was just such bad timing...the worst timing ever, really. Right before the Fair, right before emotions start hitting the roof within our elitist clique, and right before we won't be forced to see each other by association every single day anymore. We have exams now. It's almost summer.

Unless I make the effort now, I will not see you again until September.

I know you like her more than me. It might be because she's prettier, it's probably because she simply a lot more aggressive and it's easier to respond to. I totally understand that, and it puts me in a bind. I wish I could tell you that I don't blow you off because I don't like you anymore, I just don't want this tension, this awkwardness. I like her, I want to be her friend, I don't want us resenting each other and having jealousy issues. I want to give up for the reason that this is so complicated, but then again I don't. I don't like causing trouble, I am playing the passive role, I'm taking the "whatever is meant to be, will be" sort of position...but it hurts, because I like you so much. I don't know what is right anymore, I don't know what will make it better or worse.

Right now, at this very minute, I feel like I need to take some sort of action to talk to you even though it was pretty clear last night that you had made your decision. Of course I don't know that for sure, but it sure as hell seemed like it. It's okay, it's fine, but I still have that little bit of a window. As far as I know you're not "with" her yet. This is my last chance to say something to you. This is my last chance to cause trouble. I can't just let it be right now.

But you're out, so I'm waiting past my bedtime just to see if you'll come back to your computer, so that we can have some lame electronic conversation about the screwed up situation that fate has us in.

I've thought about this. Not about what I want to say exactly, but about whether or not talking about it is a good idea. The fact of the matter is, I still have a window here and it is very quickly coming to a close. I'm not going to see you for the next 4 months, phoning you would be utterly weird seeing as the only reason I have your number is through the staff list, so...here it goes. I need to do it. I have been so passive about everything concerning my love life for the past three years that I need to take this chance. If it's totally fucked up after this, well...at least I tried.

The way I see it is, I really like you...and if it doesn't work out now, it might later someday. Or it might never work out at all. But at least this time around I can honestly say I made a move. I guess I just want you to know. I'm tired of being this way...for once I want to be the one who gets what she wants, or at least the one who tries to.

I talked to a friend about whether or not I should complicate matters further by doing this and all she said, "life is short, do crazy shit".


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