My dreams have been different lately. I have never had so many sexual dreams before, in fact dreams of sex were few and far between until the last month or so. If I did dream of sex, it was a weird violent sort of way, like some kind of twisted fantasy rape situation.This is so different though. For the last four nights in a row he has been in my dreams and in a way I've never dreamt of a guy before...as if he loves me, and we're a happy couple. No questions asked, no confusion, no doubts, just us together as if we've always been together. I'll have a dream where we are walking around campus holding hands, or we're on a couch and I'll cuddle up next to him, or he comes to touch me, or hug me...completely simple, innocent signs of affection. A few little kisses here and there, no actual sex, just the being of a couple in public. It is so weird to have such a positive, repetitive theme like that. I wake up happy, because it feels natural to be with him. It feels natural for him to love me...at least in my dreams.
I'm in a very weird state of mind right now. Extremely stressed in the bad way, frustrated with every ounce of my being. I just want the next two weeks to be over. I want this godforsaken charity concert to be over and done with so that I can resume regular sleeping patterns, so that I'm not worrying about ticket sales and promotions booths and tattooing people at parties every second of my life. I'm getting edgy with all of this and lord knows the next 10 days are going to be straight from hell...in a funny delirious sort of way. I won't even be home for most of the week, I am literally living on campus just so that I can spend every waking hour lifting, pulling, pushing, setting up, not sleeping, not eating properly, wanting to kill people.
I wonder if I will still like him after all of this intensive bonding, or if that pretty girl will get him in the end.
I stormed a 12 foot wall on Monday and I'm doing it again in finals tomorrow. Wall, or class? Fair, or sanity? Flirt, or play hard to get? Boys, or single life? I hate making decisions. I hate not knowing what he thinks. I just never really know what anyone thinks of me anymore.
My life is this huge twisted blur of last minute Linguistics assignments, promotions merchandise and Sunday morning postering. I don't know how human I feel right now. I drink at least 3 cups of coffee a day and I dress down due to lack of sleep, lack of time. I try to be around him, but I feel like I'm trying to hard. I don't know if any guy is worth it when you have to try this hard.
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