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Hey *****,

Just thought I'd write to you about your last entry about "finding yourself", seeing as I have a LOT of experience with the subject! I'm gonna try not to make this too long-winded because I could easily do that and I don't want to go on and on, plus I have TONS to do so I really shouldn't be spending a hour writing an email...LOL...so bare with me here!

I thought your entry was really awesome because you FINALLY said something I've been thinking for a while now...I never wanted to tell you because I mean, it's not like we actually know each other in real life and I hate when people judge me online, but lately it's really been shining through in your diary the whole "neediness" thing with *****...I don't mean to be offensive or anything. I just thought maybe you'd want to know, from a friend to a friend. For a little while I actually didn't like reading your diary because it was always about *****, all the time, and it was giving off the impression that you were really dependent on him. Of course I wouldn't say anything about that anyway because I totally understand it - I was the exact same way with Cody! And people used to tell me all the time they didn't like reading my diary anymore because everything I wrote was Cody this, Cody that. At first I took major offense to the accusation and would think, "What the fuck, it's MY diary, I can write about whatever I want, and Cody was a huge moving force in my life, bla bla bla"...but then I thought about it. It's funny how something as simple as an online diary can reflect things that even you yourself were not realizing was going on. People would accuse me of thinking about him too much and I'd argue back, "but I DON'T think about him too much!", but if he was the subject of my diary entries like every single time I wanted to write, and if that was what I considered to be the "big news" in my life...they were right. Trust me, the first time my "best online friend" told me she didn't even read my diary anymore because I annoyed her, I cried (for real). After a few months, I found myself thinking the same thing about YOUR diary, and it was so weird. I had to stop and think, wow, this is exactly how ******** felt about me just a few months ago and I've never had this happen to me before, where I actually started becoming annoyed with reading one of my favourite diaries. But it wasn't YOU, it was just because I could see where you were headed I think. And trust me, it's not a good thing to be headed that way...

I totally understand how you feel about realizing you're kind of...nobody. If I'm interpreting that correctly. Like you SAY you have interests, but really, you're not passionate about them. I went through everything you're feeling right now, but a couple of years ago. Weird, huh? You're a couple years older than I am but we're at such different stages. It's funny how much our experiences shape us. Everyone at some point as that moment that they just feel the need to discover who they are. Maybe I'm really lucky because I'm SO sure I know myself now...I really came full circle in that way. Some people seem to always be confused about it, but I really know a lot more about myself than most people do and it's really awesome. It took probably about a year and a half from when I first decided to "get better", but it was really, really worth it.

I wish I had your entry right here to comment on (scared to open another window, computer might freeze!) but I remember in one part you were saying that you thought you needed to leave your friends...and if you remember, I had to do that. I basically abandoned (well, was abandoned in part as well) by my high school friends and it was the BEST THING I could have done. High school is just so OVER. In high school, you make friends out of obligation, you make friends to survive, so that you have a social clique and can be categorized as something. When you're out of high school, you find that a lot of your friends really were only there to fill that "friend" void, and that you don't have any kind of emotional connection to them whatsoever. What you do have is history and memories, and that is really hard to let go of. Just read back in my diary to this past summer, when I would cry seeing all of my friends leaving for camping trips without me, or knowing I wasn't invited to go out with them - I was really hurt I was being excluded, but at the same time I knew it was good and I WANTED to be excluded - part of me knew well enough that it was time to move on.

Just because something has history (like old friends, places you've lived, old boyfriends, cars, etc) and you get rid of it or "move on" doesn't mean you're forgetting about it or that it's any less meaningful to you. It's totally okay to think of things in terms like, yeah I REALLY loved Jen a few years ago, we were so tight, wow she was really good for me at that time. She might not be good for you now, but THAT'S OKAY. People change constantly, that's what we do, we adapt to our environments in ways that make it easier for us to survive. At one time, you loved music, scrapbooking, hanging out with your old friends - at one time I loved a lot of things now that I'm not that passionate about anymore.

It's so hard, but change is good. I hate change too, trust me, it's probably one of my worst personality flaws, if not THE worst. I just do not deal well with change, whether it's in the workplace, at home, with friends, with boyfriends. In part of your entry I remember you saying that you could just stop scrapbooking and use photoalbums instead, but that you didn't really WANT to - if you can, I suggest trying to make that kind of change. I did things like change my entire room around and paint it completely new colours. I put up pictures of different friends. I changed my clothing style a little. I tried a LOT of new things. I got myself in trouble a few times with alcohol/drugs/sex etc, but I don't regret it at all. It was all part of the fun of finding myself, and it really worked.

Sometimes you have to start over new like that. Like really "new", new everything. When you bring yourself back to the point of starting over at scratch, that's when you start to realize who you really are. Because all of a sudden you're then making decisions about things you want that have nothing to do with things you've liked or wanted in the past...if I were to come up to you right now, to your face and say "*****, you have 5 seconds to tell me exactly what you want right now", what would you automatically think of, EXCLUDING *****?

One thing I had really, really wanted to do for some reason was learn Spanish. I once made a list of "things I want to do in my life" and up high on the list is "Learn to speak Spanish fluently". So I did it, I enrolled myself in a year long Spanish class this year at school. Totally on a whim, I just DID it. Now I'm gonna take it again next year, and I really want to live 6 months somewhere in Latin America and learn it for real [far fetched dream, perhaps]. Learning Spanish was just one of those "things" I changed about my life...instead of sitting around wishing I had the guts to just DO something about what I wanted, I did it, and it's really fucking awesome. Another thing is taking dance classes. Another is growing my hair out really long, another was to get more involved in school and I REALLY did that...and I'm so proud of myself!

Okay I'm totally rambling now, so I'll stop. I hope this sort of provided some support. I obviously don't know you "for real", so maybe I don't have the right to be saying this, but I really think that change would be good for you. I can sense it in the way you write and I've been picking up on it for some time. If your life really is centered around *****, please change that...or there will be such huge issues in the future...he's already giving you your warning! Anyway I'll let you resume your life, have a good day, luv you!

XXOO, Krista

PS: This has somewhat inspired me to write about a similar topic in my own diary, haha!

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By the way, I wanted to let you all know that I wasn't mad at any of you for disagreeing with me, and I didn't lock my diary because I didn't want those who responded in particular reading it. Let's just simplify life by saying that in grand Krista tradition I was in a very spazzy mood for a short while. Things are okay. And I still love you all. I put that one entry in my private folder. I don't know why, I'm not trying to hide anything, I just...like things that way.


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