She was my best friend during the worst time of my life. I can't even start to talk about how much she has done for me. She has honestly played a huge role in my existence. I really don't even know how to begin describing her importance and so I'm not going to try.

I ignored someone who loves me more than any other friend I have, and this is what has happened. I ignored someone I once called my "best friend", and it wasn't that long ago I called her that. After we were in the car accident together, things started changing. I think I even wrote an entry about her a while back, talking about how much I don't care about her anymore, and how she annoys the hell out of me sometimes. How I just don't want to be swept up in her drama. I can't find the entry right now.

So this is what happens when you ignore someone who cares about you. I knew she was messed up. I knew I was being a bad friend, and even though I seem to have little sympathy for her, something in my brain still reminds me at least every couple of days, You should really call her. She always has to call you, and you know she's been depressed...you're being a bad friend. But did I listen to myself? No, I never did. I'd wait for her to call me the token once a week, ask if I wanted to meet for dinner, I'd say okay, we'd have a nice chat and she'd lie to me about her eating habits. She was the one who got me into this whole losing weight thing, did you know that? She guided me into eating few calories and showed me what she does at the gym, and consequently I've lost a fair bit of weight - I'm still healthy, but she was lying. She never ate as well as she said she did, and when she did, she was throwing it up.

I feel betrayed almost, but sad at the same time, like I want to cry, but I can't.

I told her I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know what to do...and she yelled through choked up tears, just BE there, just please BE there, you're never THERE, nobody's ever THERE anymore. I felt like shit, and started stuttering out some kind of excuse like, I know, I'm sorry, it's just that...I'm so busy...but yeah...no I know, I will make time for you then I caught myself and thought, I shouldn't be telling her "Oh, okay I'll make some time for you". What kind of friend am I, really? I fit the people who love me the most into my schedule as if they're an obligation. Look, it's time to see my non-UBC friends again, I guess I better set aside a couple hours on Friday to make sure they know I still care at least on an obligatory level.

She said how she'd fallen rollerblading today coming home from the gym, and when she fell the first thing she thought was that she'd wished she'd fallen into the street and just died, and that it would have probably taken a week for any of her friends to realize she wasn't around anyway. I couldn't argue with it because it's the honest truth. In fact, I could have gone probably a week and a half before calling her and wondering why she hadn't called me like she usually does.

I don't want any of this bullshit like, it's not your fault she's sick, you couldn't have prevented that, you're just busy with your own life right now, there's nothing wrong with that. The dead honest truth is that I have been a shitty friend and I know it. I stopped caring about her. Am I really that self-obsessed and unobservant that I couldn't have noticed something as serious as a really complex case of bulimia? She's 5'10" and has always been a little bit of a bigger girl. I would have never called her fat before, even though techincally she weighed 200lbs - she always carried her weight really well. It completely suits her body type and looks good on her. She had guys all over her all the time - she was so happy, so charismatic, so confident. She didn't give a shit about what anyone thought, ever. She truly enjoyed life to the fullest and she was so, so sexy. I watched her fall from 200 to 123lbs. For the last two months especially I've noticed she doesn't look "good" anymore, and even my co-worker who hardly knows her met her the other day and told me she "looks sick". I knew this, I knew for sure at least she was totally obsessed with counting calories, and that it didn't really seem normal. I knew this, and I never once asked her if she was okay.

I don't even know how to help her besides offering to spend time with her. She's become totally anti-social, not wanting to see anyone because being social usually involves food. She has been skipping school, having total breakdowns in class, getting out of her midterms because she's "too sick" to write them. She can't think, can't sleep, can't move - she's not functioning properly and is scared to be in any social situation because she just isn't herself anymore. She says she forgets how to act around people, that people scare her, everything scares her.

So I haven't just been neglecting my diary, I've been neglecting something maybe I knew was inevitable. I don't understand myself, I don't know why I didn't try to stop it. I ignored her because I didn't want to deal with her problems. Something in me just doesn't want to be her friend anymore, but now I'm sucked right back in. I know that deep down I want to help, but I don't know what to do. I think that part of me just isn't caring enough still.

What happened to me?

I feel like this isn't really happening. Here I was thinking that my life is so great, I'm so happy, I'm such a great girl - I have been totally ignoring the fact that I've let probably the most important person in my life thus far spiral downwards into first starving herself to death, and now binging and purging. I could have intervened, and don't tell me I couldn't have. I know I could have. I could have intervened 6 months ago. I didn't, because my priorities rested in myself.

What's making me really sad is the fact that even though this should be all about her, I'm still relating it back to myself. I'm not sad about her being sick, I'm sad that I could have let myself get to this point where I let this happen. I'm sad that I have always sworn I am a passionate person, in fact if I were to name three single traits that describe my core being, passionate would have been one of them - how can I possibly say that about myself now? I have gone against everything I ever thought I was as a person. I have been in her position at least on some level, and I know how it feels to know your friends just don't care enough about you to make the time for you. I have been suicidal, I have been depressed, and I swore I'd never, ever let a friend reach that point. I didn't just let her reach that point, and I let her dangle there. I didn't even fucking call her.

She saved my life and did more for me than any other friend of mine has ever done. But when she is in trouble, I want to run away.

<< || >>