I don't think I'll get sick doing this. I shouldn't at least. I can't picture myself with a real eating disorder or with any real problems, but I don't know. I said I'd be happy 10 lbs ago, but I'm still not totally happy. I mean I'm content on some level, hence the lack of motivation I suspect, but part of me still gets mad at myself for eating a little too much, or not finishing my workout. I'm terrified of gaining anything back before summer even starts. Uugh.

I've felt weird today, like I've been in a dream.

He was so cute today, the best I've ever seen him look. I was having a hard time averting my eyes during our meeting. For the first time he had some stubble on his face, just a little shadow and it was so sexy I literally couldn't take my eyes off of him. I just wanted to pretend for a few moments that I was his girlfriend. Or that I at least knew him better.

I feel awkward. I want to go spend a lot of money. My credit card bills this month are going to be atrocious and still I want to spend, spend, spend. I look like a dumbass with my clothing falling off of me, and Friday I really want to look good. Not overdone, just good.

I washed my hair with Herbal Essence today for the first time in years. I made a trip to the drugstore last night specifically so that I could buy this bottle of shampoo and conditioner. It was my signature "scent" in high school, my hair just absorbs the smell - everywhere I went people would say "you smell like herbal essence!". It suits me, I think. But I think it's also what's making me feel weird today. Like I'm remembering someone I used to be, but it's not me anymore, but it is, but it's not, but it is. Get it?

I feel confused, and lonely, and hungry.

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