I don't feel harmonious today. I had a midterm that I know I did badly on, and I'm pissed off at myself because I know I could have done SO much better had I actually kept up with reading the text book. I know I can do better than this in school but I just feel so...off. Academically, I mean. This isn't normal for me, this is out of character. I have another midterm tomorrow that at this point I will fail completely. I just don't know what's wrong with me, I'm throwing away these marks I could be getting if only I concentrated just a little bit more...

So I didn't go to my first class because pickets were around my building. I then took my midterm, then skipped my next class. I feel like shit for that, I've skipped so much this term and it's just not good. I went to the gym instead and realized that first of all I wore my glasses today and didn't have my contacts, and I can't run in my glasses, so I had to run without my glasses. I'm not even that blind but half of my motivation at the gym comes from the fact that I run on treadmills that face full length mirrors - without my contacts, I was looking a blur of myself and not a clear vision and that was just wrong. Everything is just wrong today. I also ate a sandwich in the car right before going there, because I was stressed and pissed off and so I got cramps twice while running, and I only ran for 24 minutes before giving up when I should have been able to go for at least 30. Then I went home, didn't even do the rest of my workout, and I felt disgusting and bewildered seeing as today my weight seems to have dropped even more but I haven't been working as hard lately or eating as well, so maybe I just lost muscle. Blah.

I have a headache, I don't feel well, I was looking forward to making some tea, getting in my sweats and calling a friend from school to ask for some help with the midterm tomorrow...I opened my agenda to make sure the midterm is the only thing I have to do tonight and fuck, I completely forgot that for March my shifts at work turned over to Mondays, and I have a 6 hour shift tonight. When I am supposed to study? I stayed up too late last night trying to cram in Psychology and I don't know if my body can take any more from me today.

I'm just in a bad mood. I'm dizzy. I really want to go to McDonalds and get a Big Mac meal with real Coke. Instead, I know tonight I'll buy a Powerbar from the cafeteria and a diet coke from the vending machine, and I'll bring a 51 calorie Cup-A-Soup with me in my mug. I'm so sick of Cup-A-Soup, and I'm so sick of green salad with vinagrette dressing, and I'm so sick of low-cal Silouette yogurt with Aspartame.

I don't understand how it's possible that my weight is so low, I don't feel any different than I did a month ago really - maybe a tiny little bit, but right now I'm apparently thinner than I was in Gr. 12 and thinner than I was after losing weight after Cody and I broke up. My two absolute favourite pairs of jeans, I can slide them straight off my hips while they're done up.

I don't know, my head hurts, I can't think anymore.

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