I had way too much to drink and while I didn't do anything overly stupid, I still feel like a retard for it. I think I had a few "uh oh" moments where I said things I probably shouldn't have but other than that I behaved myself okay. So nothing to write home about (or nothing my old friends can really gossip about) but still, it crossed the line into Krista's Top 5 Most Drunk Nights. I'd rate it a solid 3.

I can't even believe my tolerance. For a small girl, I can go pretty hard. A whole bottle of white wine plus a mickey of fireball was intense. The mickey alone was enough to finish anyone off, even Cody can get hammed off of drinking a mickey - witnessed that one too many times to count. The number of times I've seen Cody puke off of a mickey of vodka, wow. And I didn't even puke! When Krista pukes, you know it's been rough.

What gives last night a spot in the Top 5 is the fact that no, maybe I didn't puke, but I actually almost did and even that is impressive for me. When I was getting ready for bed (that was an adventure, let me tell you) I started gagging and contemplated forcing it, but didn't.

Whenever I go too hard with the alcohol I always feel stupid after, because there wasn't any need for it and I did it anyway. I think there was a subconscious reason I did it, though. I was feeling kind of depressed and I was nervous about being with all of my old friends, and I just thought I should make the most out of the evening for the hell of it. I'm glad I didn't go too crazy and didn't do anything too stupid or I'd be more ashamed, but the only thing I can recall that was a little taboo was yelling loudly something about one of the guys being gay - which he isn't, I was just making some dumbass comment about how he must be because he was being anti-social or something, I don't think my logic was really there and so that wasn't cool. And I think at one point I spilled wine or something on someone while I was trying to ask them a question while also trying to eat chips so I'm sure I just looked totally disgusting, but what can you do.

Speaking of looking totally disgusting, that's where it's at today which wasn't what I wanted because I went to lunch with everyone downtown this afternoon and Cody was there. He kept sneaking forbidden glances at me and I'm sure it's because I looked like death. I was dressed really nicely, wearing a really pretty shirt but my hair was dull and limp and my skin just looked horrible. I was white as a ghost and wearing way too much makeup - I had this thought that my makeup would give me some more colour but I think it backfired and did the complete opposite. I was so unusually pale that someone even commented that I needed a tan! I hardly said a word during the entire lunch, I was in space-cadet land and the sushi was making me want to hurl. I pretty much just sat there looking like I wanted to be anywhere but sitting in that seat, which is not the fun, happy, pretty girl image I wanted to project to Cody. But oh well...fuck it. He must have known I had a killer hangover, seeing as the second I walked in all the guys were like, Kris! You were so gone last night! It was awesome! At least someone thinks I'm cool.

Sometimes I forget that Cody has known me since I was 15 so it isn't the same as trying to impress a guy you have a crush on that you're only acquainted with, you know? I have these things running through my head like, "Oh my God, Cody probably thinks I'm the biggest loser, and that I drink a lot or something, and that I'm really unhappy, etc, etc" and then I remember that he knows who I am, he knows how things are, and seeing me once after I was out partying doesn't mean he's going to attach some kind of stigma to me. We're past that, aren't we?

Things are weird with my feelings towards him. I'm over it, I know I am. I had zero feelings of jealousy or longing or any of that and I sat across from him for 2 hours, listened to him talking to all of my friends, being his usual center of attention Mr. Popular self. I do think I still love him, if it's possible. It wasn't the same kind of "love" I have always associated with our break-up, it wasn't that needy "I miss him so much, I want him to hold me" sort of love, it was just pure acceptance of the fact that we're not together, we're not friends anymore, and we probably never will be and that's okay, and yet if I had the chance to be with him again, I think I'd take it. I'm still totally attracted to him. He's a cocky jackass and he always will be, but I like it. I think it's because I understand how to handle it.

I heard rumours (although very obscure and unreliable ones) that something may be going on with him and his girlfriend, plus I'm pretty sure he spent Valentine's Day with his friends and not her. I did also hear she was away right now though, which makes sense, but there was some other talk about something between them that made me wonder. I'm not assuming, I'm not hoping any of it is true, and I'm not totally caring either - just wondering.

I used believe that him and I were meant to be together, because I loved him so much and needed him so much that it had to be true. I later worked my way into convincing myself that it wasn't true at all - it hurt to accept that, but I did. Now that I've accepted it, I'm not unhappy with how things turned out, but I'm getting this strange vibe from it all...

I could think about this more if I wanted to. Right now I'm just going to say that I've always thought that fate works in mysterious ways.

Today I noticed for the first time that I really love his laugh.


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