What to say...my life is busy. I'm sitting here right now at 8:30am, should have left for school a while ago but there is a strike blocking the main gate today. I could cross the picket lines or I could sit here and pretend I care enough to not want to cross their lines. I have a meeting to go to at noon anyway and I will cross for that. It's not that I don't support the cause, I completely do...I guess it's just that my own selfishness is taking priority here.

I've been frustrated this week because I haven't been able to hit any lower than the weight I'm at now. I was determined to lose another two pounds by this Sunday, but it looks unlikely, especially since I intend to drink both Friday and Saturday night. I've been eating well (with the exception of one day) and going to the gym like always, so maybe I'm staying the same weight because I gained a little muscle? It's possible. Or it could be that huge Breadgarden chicken caesar salad I shared with a friend on Sunday night while having a stress spazz at 11pm.

Part of me cares that I'm doing a lot worse this semester than I should be, but part of me doesn't at all. I'm disappointed in myself a little bit, only because I know that I could have done better on my midterms...but then I think about all that is going on in my life right now, and it's the honest truth that I'd rather be making new friends and doing promo for the fair than studying. And it's not like I'm failing my classes, I've just dropped a letter grade in everything pretty much. Where I'd normally be getting A's, I get B's, and so forth. It bothers me a little because I know I have the potential, but maybe that is better than working my ass off knowing that I don't have the potential, you know? I've never been the kind of student who feels like they work so hard, do their best, and can still only manage a C+. I think I'd rather have it my way, because even when I'm slacking at school I can still pull off decent or at least passing grades by cramming the night before. I guess I'm...lucky.

I've been on and off depressed about Valentine's Day this year. I'm not bitter and hoping all happy couples die, I'm just...sad. And thinking about things. Wondering why it is that a girl like me, who is smart, nice, friendly, generous, honest and all that is still single. And has been single forever. And maybe it's my own warped self-view but I think I'm pretty, and I think I dress well...in short I've never thought my outer image was the real problem. Sure I'm not perfect, I have flaws but everyone does. I just want to know what the answer to this is, because I can't figure it out. And I'm tired of blaming it on the guys and their attitudes at this age...I want to know if I'm doing something wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm intimidating. It's something I've hardly ever considered before, because I don't think of myself in that way at all, but it could be a possibility at this point. I think I'm pretty but I don't think I'm anything extrodinarily hot, and I'm only 5'3"...the most common compliment I get is that I'm "cute", so how intimidating could I be? But maybe, in some crazy world, I really am. I could go into deep analytical detail about this - I am obsessed with perfection and always make sure I have my hair done, my nails done, my outfit fully matching down to the shoes and elastic in my hair. Not that I wear my hair up often. I'm blonde, maybe that intimidates some people, I don't know - I do live in a predominately brunette/black hair environment so I am rare. I don't feel all that confident on the inside that much, but I do a pretty good job of coming off independant and in control on the outside. I'm always taking on responsibilities. I'm smart but I don't think of myself in that way either all the time, I mean...I'm not some kind of genius woman. Sometimes I wonder if guys think I already have a boyfriend, because I've heard guys say that before in regards to girls they think are pretty or smart, that they just automatically don't try because they think she must be taken. Maybe I should plaster a sign on my forehead that says I'M SINGLE, PLEASE LOVE ME.

The only bad thing anyone has ever really said about me through elementary and high school is that I'm a snob, and that wasn't even a big enough thing to become a label for me (I don't think?) but it was still there. If I come off as a snob to some people, I must be intimidating at least a little. Or maybe I'm just a bitch. But I'm not a bitch, I'm totally friendly to everyone I meet, unless they're in some way connected to Cody or to someone I know who hurt one of my friends, or whatever...you know what I mean. Overall I am not a bitch! Am I?

Too much thinking for 9 in the morning.

I'm going to the beer garden this Valentine's to be with my school friends. I'm kind of looking forward to it, but kind of not at all...I guess I just wish I had somewhere else to be. This is my third single Valentine's Day in a row, and while I love my friends to death, I think the whole "spend time with your girls" idea got old the second time around.

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