Um, I thought there were more blessings but maybe that was it.

I haven't been this sick for a good while. It's one of those horrible head colds that leave your sinuses aching and your head so heavy you can barely lift your chin up to look people in the eye. Last night it took me three hours to fall asleep even though I was exhausted, just because my throat was bothering me and I couldn't breathe properly. My brother came to my rescue at midnight by giving me a Halls throat candy. I was half asleep half insane at that point and yet I was still concerned that it was a red Halls, which I hate but he assured me it was the one with the black wrapper, the "you wanna kill yourself it's so bad" flavour. I figured nothing could make me want to kill myself more than Cherry so I took it, and it lived up to it's name but worked.

I wrote this really amazing entry the other night, one of my best ever. But of course, once I pressed the done button, everything screwed up and I lost it all. Ironically, I was talking to a good friend at that very moment about how true it is that some things are just better left unsaid.

There are signs everywhere...

The main point was that I decided I'm not leaving, for so many reasons. I tried to recreate my entry but I couldn't. I was so passionate about it at the time that once I'd finished I felt so much closure...I can't go back and try to pretend I need closure again. The main reason I decided to create a new diary was because of something that someone said to me recently that really hurt me. It wasn't intentional by any means but it still struck a chord.

I don't write for your entertainment purposes, I write to unleash certain things that are on my mind. That doesn't mean that what I write in here is all that is on my mind, a common misunderstanding. What I write about in here also does not always reflect the things I talk about in real life. If I want to write about the same thing over and over, I'm going to. If I want to change my direction completely, I'm going to.

But I don't give any of you enough credit. I should write in your guestbooks more often and comment on your own diaries, because I do read them. I don't give you enough credit for saying probably the most influencial thing in my guestbook as of late. "...it's your diary, you can talk about whatever you want, even Cody".

Emphasis on those last two words. Thank you so much.

My favourite thing about this diary is that I can see the maturation process. There are days I can pinpoint where I learned something, and other days where I fell back a few steps but kept hanging on. I will always see myself as a strong person no matter what anyone thinks. It's like watching home videos of myself, but instead of comparing physical appearance through images, I'm comparing emotional growth through my own words.

I don't think that life is meant to be a series of separate phases that are thrown away once they're over with. My life is a story, just a continuum of all of my experiences, and that doesn't allow for me to leave this behind me in a "look, but don't touch" sort of fashion. I don't live in my past but I do use my past to my advantage. I learn something new about myself every day through reflection and I think that is something amazing. So I need to touch...looking just doesn't suffice.

Hopefully my images will be working soon. My story isn't even close to being over yet.

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