It's just those little things. The mere mention of her name. Hearing the sound of his voice through the cellular across the room, not being able to pick out words but just knowing it is him, and it isn't you he's talking to. The New Years plans that don't involve you, but instead involve him and the Bitch with all of your somewhat-former-kinda-still friends. It doesn't even matter that you have a wicked New Years planned with your other best friend...it's those little things. They feel like a tiny little pin prick, barely even noticeable but still stabbing you softly in the heart over, and over, and over. It's a repetitious needle that won't quit. Over time you become accustomed to it and you forget it's there completely, but then there are those little things. The wound is reopened time and time again.

I hate the jealous rage. Jealousy is probably the worst feeling because it is so uncontrollable. If you're jealous, you're jealous and you're not going to become "un-jealous" by some trick of the mind. It lingers there and takes over your body until you feel like you just want to kill something, or kill yourself. Anything to stop the need to want to change things that you know you cannot change anymore. Something needs to be done, anything.

I just hate her so much. There isn't a reason besides the fact she's his girlfriend. That is the only reason...she has never to my knowledge tried to sabotage me and she's never really been a bitch to me. There was a point in time I was told she actually wanted to meet me and talk to me about things, which I had to say a big heeelllls no to. Like I want to sit down and "talk" to my first and only love's new girlfriend and pretend to make peace. Stupid bitch. I just want something really bad to happen to her, and on some level I feel like a horrible person for thinking that about another human being but is it really that unnatural? If she died, I don't think I'd feel bad. I'd maybe feel a little bad for Cody if he were having a hard time with the grief but then again it'd probably piss me off if he were grieving at all. Why am I talking about this? For God's sake can she please just get run over by a truck already, or just dump his ass and go away. I can't escape the people I hate the most, his friends, it's like they just keep on coming back into my life. At every party, they're there, they're mentioned in conversations, they're part of "us". Him and I break up and his entire brigade of obnoxious asshole friends are all of a sudden idolized by everyone. I feel like screaming, leave me and my friends alone, and get the fuck out of my life forever...

I've been drinking a lot and going out with old friends a lot. Saw Cody last night and had a good time actually, him and I only said about 10 words total to each other all night but I think it was good that way. We went to a good bar downtown and it was happening, plus I met Gregory Smith, from that new show Everwood on the WB. He kinda looked like shit, and was quite short and very young looking but I was drunk and all about the meeting a celebrity moment. Anyway we had a few encounters, J got his autograph and he told my friend M he thought I was "pretty...really pretty" and I got into this big stalking game with him. I was desperately trying to get his phone number because D and M promised to buy me a round if I brought the number back to them. He went into the mens washroom and I waited for like 10 minutes until it registered, "This is highly unusual for a guy to take this long to take a piss", and so I proceeded to go into the mens washroom and yell, "IS THERE A GUY IN HERE WEARING A NAVY TOQUE?" and M pops out randomly and says, "He's not in here, I checked". Those guys were egging me on soooo much, and what you must know about me is that when I'm drunk and being egged on to do something, I'll do it. I had a really good time with the two of them though, I think they'll have to become my new best guy friends. So we were desperately trying to find this guy but he'd snuck out the other way and tricked us poor drunk losers and by then I was being pulled out because someone was getting sick and wanted to leave or something. It was rather exciting, a guy on the WB thought I was "really pretty"...I feel stupidly special.

Anyway, I saw for a moment in the other car that one of my good girl friends was sitting in the back with Cody, all cuddled up to him with her head on his shoulder and he had his arms around her and I wanted to kill her the entire way home. I literally couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted to kill her but I decided not to deal with it. It was either, confront and deal with it by talking to her and making a thing of it, or make myself forget it happened. I'm just so tired of this jealous rage. I've dealt with it too many times to know that dealing with it doesn't always give you the result you want. There's a lot to be said about the unspoken word.

That may be something good I've learned through this horrible heartbreak experience that has been going on for over two years now. There are times when you really just need to keep your mouth shut, for your own sake.


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