My best friend is leaving to go to Missouri for the next school semester and I'm so sad about it. She had to quit her job (we work together) and today was her last shift. I can't believe it's really happening, it can't be...I don't want her to leave. It's only five months but I'm so scared she will change. I'm thinking selfishly, I know. I know this will be good for her, she needs to get out on her own for a while. But it's killing me...she's the most stable friend I have. After all of this friend turmoil I've experiened in the past couple of years, she was the one who I could always lean on and who always loved me no matter how horribly I was acting...I just don't want her to go. At this point I'd be willing to grab on to her legs in the airport and scream, "You can't leave me! I love you!" to prevent her from going. I've cried a couple times today. I don't like this. I just have to keep telling myself that my friends do have their own lives outside of our friendship, and everyone needs to do what they need to do. This is growing up, this is getting older, I hate it but it's happening and I need to stop being dependant on other people already.

I'm doing this again. I talk in fragmented sentences, or run-on sentences. Anything that isn't constructed, isn't organized. I was made to be inconsistent...hormonal levels fluctuating, chemicals in my brain unbalanced, my mind is just out of place.

I bought a card for her that says on the front, "Friends are like Christmas ornaments" and then the inside says, "The longer you've had them, the more they mean". I cried in Hallmark when I read it.

I miss people, even people who are still around me and who I talk on the phone with almost every day. I just want them near me...I want them to hold me.

"I am not lonely, I swear to God I'm just alone..."

I thought about Cody today when I was wrapping some presents. He'd always use so much tape, just like a little kid. He'd take ages to wrap a present, perfecting every single fold and securing each with tiny little pieces of tape. Not a single edge would be tapeless. When you went to open the present, you couldn't.

I had a split second thought of cutting myself, but it was just for the attention. I'm sick.


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