What am I feeling? I don't even know. I didn't sleep last night. Well I did, for an hour. I cried for a long, long time, uncontrollably, in a way I haven't cried in several months and I actually started feeling suicidal for a few brief moments. And then I woke up an hour later, 5:30am, time to get ready for work. I went to work, and now I'm home, and I cry. Nothing in particular sets me off really, I just go through phases. I'm physically exhausted but emotionally I don't think I am yet...if I can still cry, I haven't reached that point. It's months worth of frustration, confusion, sadness and pain releasing itself.

I think I finally got some closure.

Cody was there, he talked to me. He initiated a seriously drunk and seriously serious conversation with me and talked to me in a way he hasn't talked to me in two and a half years. When people approached us, he told them to go away and that he was having an important talk with me. He told me that he thinks of me every day, and he knows I must think of him too. He told me that when I had a new boyfriend, he'd automatically hate the guy, because the feelings are just like that still. He told me that if he were crazy and had a gun, that the guy I fooled around with is Number 1 on his list-to-kill, that he hates him so much for breaking us up. He told me he fully acknowledges that it was him who changed so much over our last summer together, and that he takes 100% responsibility for all of the problems it caused. He said the words, It was all my fault, I know. He tried to explain to me, in a haphazard roundabout way that he understands why I hate his girlfriend and why she hates me, and he was considerate enough to ask me whether or not I was going to be okay tomorrow night (tonight) and if I wasn't, he wouldn't come. I said, no no, I won't come if I felt it was a bad situation. He asked if I'd like him to introduce me to her formally. He got tears in his eyes talking about how our relationship meant a lot to him, how two years wasn't just something he'd forget, and when he told me he still thought about me I got tears in my eyes too. He saw me look away, trying to fight them off, and he said in a choked up voice, "I know, this is so emotional for me too". I started to cry. I asked him why he never emailed me back, he never answered that directly. He told me that he thinks we'll always think of each other for the rest of our lives. He told me that he cares about The Bitch a lot, and that he sees us as high school and her as the next level - not that she means more, it's just the way that these things work out in life. He's jealous of her ex-boyfriend too, and it's been a year and a half, which hurt me really bad, knowing my instincts were right all along. Instincts I didn't want to be right...

...for the entire summer of 2001 I'd been looking forward to his promises to me that we were going to spend more time together and talk about things. It never happened, and it broke my heart. I couldn't understand it, but now I do. He had a girlfriend, and he hid it from me for months. It really, really hurts.

But it's over. I said it in my last entry, I know that it's over. That's why I don't understand what I'm feeling right now. I'm extremely sad and depressed, but I don't think it's because I wish we were together. Of course on some level I do wish that, but it's more than that...part of me is extremely touched. I feel...like everything I always thought about Cody being a jackass, Cody not caring about me at all, Cody having a heart of stone - that was never true. He cared about me all along, we just finally discussed our breakup and brought some closure to the situation...two years later, but better late than never.

It didn't end on any solid note though, we kinda got pulled out of the club and had to leave and we never even said goodbye to one another. That left it a little confusing but at the same time, it's good I think. As I cried and cried last night, I kept whispering out loud, this is a good thing, it really is. This is good.

I guess that time will tell if it's good or not. It seems good right now, because it's brings me to some sort of peace knowing that part of him will always love me. But it also brings back a tinge of that false hope, things I haven't thought in months, things along the lines of, I really think that we're just meant to be together...someday...it will happen....

He introduced me to one of his friends with a big smile on his face, "Hey, this is Krista, she was my girlfriend in high school".

I'm in shock, really. All of this in the span of half an hour out of the mouth of Cody? I have nothing to say. I don't even know how to put into words what that makes me feel. The last thing I was expecting to have happen last night was to have him approach me with some deep analysis of our relationship. He must have been thinking about what he wanted to say to me, because although he was wasted he seemed to articulate most of it in an intelligent organized manner, as if he'd been sorting out his theories for a long time and then now presenting them to me in a way that made sense. In a way I felt mildly lectured at, but he wasn't being condenscending. He just had the speech prepared on some level, enough that it didn't really start as a free-flowing conversation. It was him blurting out his philosophy on us without me being allowed to interrupt.

That was something I loved, how we interrupted each other constantly. He'd be mid-sentence and I'd blurt out, "No, I don't think..." and he'd cut me off and say "No, no, no, can you not be quiet for two minutes!!". I'd smile. When I'd be mid-sentence he'd try with, "But..." and I'd do the same, "Just let me finish dammit!". It's odd how we both say to each other, yeah you know we've both changed so much, I don't know you anymore and you don't know me. Sometimes I think that it's all just bullshit. We matured, but did we really change all that much? When I talk to him I don't feel like I'm talking to someone else. I feel like I'm talking to Cody and I just haven't seen him in a really long time. Which is precisely the situation...Cody, who I never see. He said, "You don't even know what's been going on, I quit the SFU track team" and I was thinking, that doesn't mean you've changed...that means you have me blocked on MSN, I don't know your phone number, you have largely ignored me up until this point and we see each other a handful of times a year therefore making it difficult for me to know what's going on in your life.

I'm not going to dinner tonight. I've thought about it all day and I've arrived at the conclusion that it isn't a good idea, for many reasons. I wrote him an e-mail, mainly to let him know I'm not going to be there and that it isn't because I don't want to see him, it's because I feel that it's right for him and his girlfriend and friend to go and have fun with people who are moreso their friends than mine. I don't feel right knowing that my presence there would only cause awkwardness and tension for everyone. Maybe I am making the wrong decision and I should take any opportunity I get like this to prove to him that I can be his friend. But then again, why put myself through it? In all honesty, the restaurant is 40 minutes away, I look like absolute shit (picture one hour of sleep, crying all night and a puke-worthy hangover all wrapped up in one ugly package), all the girlfriend nonsense, I'm tired as all hell and have to work at 6:30am again tomorrow morning...I could go on. In short, I'm not my usually cute and chirpy (ha!) self and so I lied. I told my friend I was sick. She wouldn't understand that this has to do with Cody and Caroline and the happiness of the entire populus in general. In my eyes, I see this as doing everyone a favour. But a part of me does want to go because I think that I miss him.

That probably wasn't what he wanted me to get out of him sharing his feeling with me, but that's what happens when he starts caring. I'm doing all that I can not to blow it out of proportion. I just don't know where things go from here. I guess that they just continue on, with Cody and I feeling awkward around each other yet now with a new-found acceptance that we'll always have a place in our hearts for each other. He feels it to, and now I don't know what to think. I'm at a loss for everything.

It's not right, but I can't help it.

He said, after the near-tears confession of still thinking about me all the time, "...but that doesn't mean we're going to be together again and that we're going to get married". How well can someone know me?

It really, really hurts right now. I told myself that I knew it was over...so maybe this is the part where I believe it instead of using the phrase as a coping mechanism. The final chapter of our breakup. It is over.

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