I guess I have things to say. Like that tomorrow night I'm going to a club for a friend's birthday and Cody will be there, along with some of his friends I'm not too fond of, along with the rest of our ex-mutual friends. I don't know, I have this feeling I always get before the traditional twice-a-year exchange of "hey, how's it going" with the ex-boyfriend I've come to love hating and hate loving. It's been almost 6 months since we last saw each other or talked, so why does it feel like it's only been a month or so? It's quite strange. When I made the big break from him and stopped calling him, it was 6 months I went without as well. Those 6 months felt eternity...why did these 6 months pass so quickly?

I have only seen Cody two times for the entire year of 2002.

Hold onto nothing as fast as you can / well still, pretty good year...

By tomorrow night it'll be three, and the very next night it'll be four - yeah, you heard that right. Two consecutive nights of Cody, and the second is far, far worse than the first. The first I'm at a club, there are lots of people, there is dancing, there are other friends I can talk to, there is opportunity to leave, plus to my knowledge The Bitch isn't coming, so I feel somewhat safe about that one. But Saturday night is a completely different story. Going out to dinner downtown to celebrate the birthday of a different friend, this time with a close group of ex-friends, no support from real friends, and not just Cody, The Bitch as well. Outnumbered by far and possibly forced to sit right next to or right across from Cody and The Bitch. Can you even picture that? Because I can't. What if I have to sit beside Caroline? I wouldn't. But what if I have to? What if I have to sit directly across from her and look at her ugly face for the entire night? I think I might barf.

I was on the verge of mental breakdown for a week or so, then I just eased into serenity about it all. I guess that eventually the nervous bawling jealous etc etc etc feelings passed into, why am I even caring about this, it's interfering with my studying, it's interfering with my mental health in general, and nowadays when Cody starts to interfere with anything I have to stop. I mean, full out physically stop myself in my tracks and say in my head, or even out loud - why am I letting this bother me? Do I need to let it bother me? If I do need to, then it's what needs to be done, but if there is no reason whatsoever for me to dwell any further...turn around right now, and walk away.

The simple reality of the situation is that Cody has a girlfriend, and he loves her. He told me about her last October, so that would mean they have been together for over a year, but I actually suspect he was hiding her from me for at least two months prior because I'd heard him mention her name at a party in July of that year. He was writing her an email while we were at a party, how fucking lame is that. So, this leads me to conclude that they've been going out maybe even close to a year and a half already, which is pretty serious. And I just need to not care, because it's over. It really is. I'm done with the reassurance from others that they think we're meant to be together, that we'll get back together someday...No. I think that the reality at this point is honestly just no. I have to be fine with it. If I were not fine with it by this point, I'd be having major problems.

I listen to songs over and over again, songs that I used to cry to. I have a few that hit me so hard, I can feel the instruments, the voice, everything about the song sits like a lump in my chest and it's a part of me, it's everything that I was was, that I am...I can't even find the words to explain it. I don't cry anymore to these songs, that is the funny thing about it. They make me sad on some level, but I mainly listen to them to remember. I have this fear of forgetting the girl I used to be, and becoming wrapped up in being happy and perfect and going to the school I wanted to go to...it's almost the case of the celebrity who tries so hard to prove that they don't forget where they came from and that things weren't always this good, or that even though on the surface things have changed, deep down they really haven't. I try so hard to maintain that yes, I'm okay but no, I'm not. I struggle to make sure that I don't lose that part of myself, because it's an extremely important part of my past. So what is better, to accept and embrace the challenges I've faced, or is it better to just let go entirely...

I listen to Foolish Games by Jewel, the CD version, and I get the immediate image of myself in my head. I can feel it all over again, I can put myself back into my body and look through those eyes. I can reach forward and adjust the volume on my cd player, in my old car, the one I miss so much. My car. I have so much more to say on my car, but I'll leave it for another day.

Foolish Games makes me think of those late nights driving back to school, or back home again. It's raining, it's pitch black, it's foggy, and everything is ugly. There is no beauty in this part of town, it is just grey, grimy, unfamiliar. I listen to Foolish Games and I bawl my eyes out, crying so hard that I can barely see and my eyes hurt from my contacts being so worn out in the last couple months. So much crying.

Well excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else / Somebody who gave a damn / Somebody more like myself...

You know how there are just some songs you can sing, even if you're not that great a singer? For some reason I can sing Jewel songs. I suppose her voice is similar to mine on some level and I just find it easy to match her notes...and so I sing her songs over, and over.

and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...

I forget why I started writing. I made myself do it, and this is what came out.

<< || >>