I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a rut. I've been depressed all day, starting with having dreams about something - odd that I don't remember what - but whatever it was it woke me up at least twice during the night. Pretty safe to assume it had something to do with either Cody or school, the two most common subjects of my dreams. Probably because that is all I have been thinking about for the last two and a half years, or make that four and half years if you count the time we were actually together. So I ended up sleeping in, missing my first two classes of the day, when I really should have gone. Skipping school always makes me feel like shit because it reminds me of days when I was skipping not just out of laziness. I would wake up in the morning and I'd cry and cry, wondering why I was still alive. I would pray the night before, begging God to just let me go in my sleep and end the pain. Everytime I woke up it was like being hit with a ton of bricks. And at the time, that was a somewhat valid reason for having trouble making my morning classes. Now when I skip them I just end up thinking, fuck Krista...you're so fucking stupid. And the depression rolls in.

I was in the shower and I just felt like I wanted to push a button and be somewhere else. I spent too long in there. I told myself, okay shower in 5 minutes, you don't need to wash your hair really, it's still pretty clean. But I stood under the hot water for 20 minutes instead, just feeling it hit my skin and stream down my legs and stomach and face. I felt a little bit dizzy, but sometimes I like that. It reminds me that I'm not totally okay. I don't know what makes me like the feeling of being back to where I was. Maybe it's that I became so used to being there that I still can't fully understand how to not be there. The dizziness always helps, I think of the drugs I force fed myself every day and the incessant light-headedness, the looking at pages from books and watching the words spin in circles, under and over each other and watching the letters switch places. Or there was the driving to and from school without thinking, and as I parked my car and stepped out to feel the ice-cold air hit my face I'd suddenly wake up and think...how the hell did I get here?

And so again tonight I couldn't do anything but watch a little bit of TV, which made me cry. Grace got married and Will walked her down the aisle. I bawled, thinking partly about how badly I want to have a beautiful wedding and how I want someone to love me...partly because I was thinking about the conversation I had earlier tonight with S and how exciting her life is right now. She's so happy, she keeps meeting all of these cute guys, going on dates, and I just don't understand it, I am so jealous...and partly I was also thinking, Krista, why are you even watching TV you're supposed to be doing your assignments or working on your essay or doing something.

I just feel like the biggest loser. I know I have friends who love me. Something is missing. I feel empty inside today, like I'm just nothing, I'm just going through the motions. Just doing what I'm supposed to do to survive.

Today, I just don't care. I looked at myself in the mirror a few minutes ago and I swear I could see right through myself. I wish tonight to just not be here. I want to disappear, or run away, or do something that I wouldn't normally do. I've been such a good girl lately - maybe it's true that being nice gets you nowhere. I'm tired of feeling so unfulfilled...not that excessive drinking and casual sex will fulfill me, but at least it makes for a story. I don't feel like I'm living anymore. I'm just immobile.

Most of the time I'd say that I definitely do not need anti-depressants anymore, but days like today make me wonder. I'm forever stuck on that age old question - what's actually wrong with me?

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