That's really only the good thing I have to say right now. I kind of feel down, first of all because it's 12:30 am and I should be in bed by now, and I get whiny when I'm tired. Second, because I am still so behind in my Spanish studying and it's making me worry about my test tomorrow. Of course I'm being a keener, having gotten (is that a word?) 93% on my last midterm I expect the same with this one, so not being totally up on my stuff bugs me, even though in reality I'm "up" enough on it to get at least 80. That just needs to be good enough at this point, I think. I'm done. My brain cannot handle anymore foreign language.

I started feeling really fat tonight again. I think it was the pants I was wearing. Or maybe that I haven't been to the gym in a week and a half and I haven't been eating great either, and I've gained a pound or two back. It pisses me off, everything does. I hate how where I live, girls are so skinny. I'm not just saying that either, it really is true. This isn't meant to be racist or anything stupid like that but it's a fact that there are a lot of Asians here, and if you're not full Asian you're part Asian, and Asian women are naturally thin. I look around my classes and check out the girls all the time (naturally) and they're all so skinny. I feel disgusting around them, like a cow stuck in a sea of birds...haha that was an awful comparison. It just came out and I couldn't stop it, did it even makes sense. Maybe flamingos are better, they have long skinny legs. Yeah. A cow surrounded by flamingos. Flamingos with long shiny black hair and cool clothes.

I came online to pout and oh, pouting is what I got. I said hi to K, which was a mistake. He went on to tell me about how great his day was, because him and this girl he'd been talking to in Anthro since the first day of school finally told each other they liked each other and she came over to his house and watched a movie and they cuddled, and he is sooo happy, and bla, bla bla, bla bla bla bla. I almost started to cry, but then I stopped myself. You know how the saying goes, don't let a guy make you cry, or whatever. Oh - No guy is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry. That's it.

I guess I was wrong about him being a player for life. He can settle down, he just really doesn't like me like that. I think that maybe I've been overexaggerating his player ways all this time to make myself feel better, because deep down I've always known he didn't want to be my boyfriend. Sure he found me attractive enough to want to fool around with me, but he never liked me. And I guess that is life, not every guy is going to like me. It happens, it happens in the opposite way for me all the time too - I can find a guy physically attractive enough, but I just know I'm not attracted to his personality. So, no hard feelings. K is over with, done, gone, this is the end of the crush, I absolutely will not spend one more minute of my brainpower thinking about whether or not he likes me, or if the next time we go to the club I'll go home with him and then maybe he'll like me because we've had sex. I'm not his type, I never was, I never will be.

I hope it's understandable why I'd be upset, though. I'm inclined to ask myself, why is it that the men I love never love me back?

I haven't been able to concentrate all night. I keep slipping into daydream, walking around aimlessly, making tea for something to do and thinking things like, "I really miss my boyfriend", which makes no sense whatsoever because I don't have a boyfriend.

I thought I was missing Cody for a while, but it could be anyone now. I just miss having someone there, to talk to on the phone, to hold me at night. When K mentioned the cuddling, that's what brought the tears to my eyes. I just thought to myself, that's all I ever wanted with you...I just wanted you to hold me.

I feel so meaningless.


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