I feel like shit. Like I'm completely numb all over. I can't feel anything, can't hear anything, can't see anything. This is a experience I haven't felt in ages! I'm past the crying stage, which was triggered last night by the very good story, "Lullaby" by Leslie Marmon Silko for my American Lit class [side note: I really reccommend this story, it was beautiful, so read it]. The moment I started thinking, "Oh God, this is really sad" and teared up at the end, that was it. Full out sobbing. After half an hour I'd calmed down enough to go wash my face again and crawl into bed. This was at 2 am.

I've been having sleeping problems lately. I guess it's not a huge problem, but it screwed me over today that's for sure. I have a really cool school schedule where I get Mondays and Wednesdays off. Between school and work, I have another day off, and that's Sunday. Lately it has worked out that every Sunday, Monday and Wednesday I sleep in soooo late, no matter what time I go to bed. I am sleeping freakish amounts, I'll go to bed at 11pm on Tuesday and wake up at 1pm on Wednesday, unprovoked. I slept for over 12 hours on Tuesday night, so last night I didn't fall asleep until 2am, and today I had to sleep until 11am to just function normally, meaning I missed my first two classes of the day. Meaning I skipped English entirely this week. Fuck.

Now I'm debating whether or not I should get ready for my class at 2pm, because I could, it's only noon right now. Fuck I don't know, I don't care. I mean I do care, but at the same time I'm just numb to it all. I feel so spent, or so useless or...I don't even know. I have no idea what my problem is. Why can't I be a normal person for once in my life.

I hate the not knowing what's wrong with you part. What is it, combination of school stress, feeling like a bad friend, feeling lazy, feeling stupid, feeling like I want a boyfriend, feeling like nothing I ever wanted to happen in my life is actually going to happen, feeling like I'm two people at once, because I always am. I'm always two people, two Krista's stuck in the same body. There's the girl I was being depressed and the girl I am now, and when one of them starts to dominate over the other there's this internal fight inside of me. Everyone has their good side and bad side, you know, the little devil over one shoulder and the angel over the other. Those two characters are so real to me, they're always in my thoughts, contradicting each other. Sometimes it's like every word out of my mouth is a conscious decision to either follow good or evil. Maybe nothing comes naturally with me anymore.

After writing this all out though, I do feel slightly better. At the start of this I was numb and indifferent, and while I am still numb and in shock from my depression episode last night...maybe I am just lost in my own thoughts. This isn't so much that I can't feel a thing, it's that I don't want to feel a thing. I'm enclosed within my own mind and I'm not letting myself see past what I want to see, want to hear, want to feel.

I always forget that I can feel happy if I want to. It's really not that hard to force a smile, look out the window - it is gorgeous outside, bright blue sky, red and orange leaves, near freezing temperatures that turn your cheeks and ears pink and leave your eyes shining - and realize that I need to choose to see the beauty in everything. Maybe it just comes naturally to people, and not to me...but I suppose that is the way things were supposed to be. I didn't choose to be prone to depression, it just happened. And when things just happen, you have to take them as they come and make the best of it.

I think that part of my worrying about not having a boyfriend is really my fear that nobody will ever love me. Because I'm too moody, and guys don't like putting up with that shit. It isn't so much that I dislike being single right now (not that I absolutely love it either, but anyway), I think it's that I am aware of my "faults" as a woman and when I begin to think "I really need a guy who can put up with this, I need a guy who will understand it, I need a guy who will just accept it and love me anyway, and cuddle me when I'm in a bad mood" I start connecting that with my present single status and thinking that the reason I don't have a boyfriend right now is because there is no guy like that, and that it's a serious flaw I need to get rid of fast if I ever want a man to love me. Is that true? Sometimes I don't even know.

One night when I was 17 and was having a fit, my own mother told me that if I kept that up, nobody was ever going to love me and I'd never survive a marriage. Those words just stuck with me. I hated her so much after that.

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