It has been a long time since I've had a real love life, at least one worth mentioning, and finally things in that department are kind of, sort of, picking up. But I'm in a bind, and tonight only made things a million times worse. Worse in a good way. Worse in an "I'm so glad things are finally happening" way, so like I said, I may actually secretly be enjoying this bind.

The thing is, I met a guy last Sunday, and I really liked him. It may be hard to understand because most of you don't know me in real life, but I never like guys. I really don't. I flirt with them, dance dirty with them, but for the most part I think that guys are obnoxious and uncommitted and impatient, and I just don't like them (heh...boy cooties!). It is extremely rare that I actually like a guy, I mean really like him and can see him being my boyfriend, and it actually working. So I met this guy. We only met once, and didn't say more than "hey" to each other the entire night. I was doing my homework at one table, he was playing cards with E (also a friend of S�s) at the table in front of me. I can hardly even describe what it was about him, but I couldn't stop sneaking glances at him. I was so, so attracted to him, but not in a lusty way...in a way like I just felt like something was right, and that him and I were "meant to be". His aura was so positive, everything about him I just knew without even knowing.

He was so cute, curly-ish brown hair, smooth skin, very good looking in a soft, "boyish" way. And I just knew that he was sweet, shy, smart, the things I'm always looking for. He didn't even talk to me, but I could tell by his expressions and movements, and the few things he said to E while they were playing, his tone of voice with her. And here he is, friends with a friend of mine. It's the perfect hook-up, the perfect opportunity. As soon as the two of them left, I asked S immediately to tell me everything about him, because I wanted him.

To make this long story short, I did find out a few things. First, that apparently he found me attractive too - I can't even tell you how happy that makes me feel. Second, he's single and wants a girlfriend. Third...here's the real catch. He's currently "experimenting" with his sexuality. He doesn't know what he is, but E believes he's full out gay, just hasn't come to terms with it yet. So he wants a girlfriend - but probably because he's trying to prove something to himself.

So E and S at first were super excited that him and I would be so good together, but then after talking about it for a very long time they both decided that they were going to have nothing to do with it. Because they think I'm going to get hurt, and they don't want to be responsible for setting me up in a relationship that will most likely hurt me. This is the only drawback to this guy right now, the fact that he's "experimenting"...otherwise, they both think it'd be perfect. She even told me, right after they left, that he was the perfect guy for me. She said, Krista, you would love him, he's one of those really "good" guys, he's exactly what you want and you'd fall in love with him.

On a different topic, but eventually tying in with the boy issue at hand, is my problem with bisexuality. I have a hard time understanding how it can exist. If you�re bisexual, can you stay with one person your entire life? The bisexuals I know tell me constantly that you can be in love with someone, but still crave the opposite sex, and that just makes no sense to me. Are they right, or do they have it all wrong? If you love someone, why would you want something else? S tried to use the analogy of a girl who cheats on her boyfriend repeatedly, because she craves change � but I don't think that analogy works. In that situation we�re talking about different people within the same sex, not two different sexes and two different ways of making love. I'm probably not making much sense, but my general opinion on the matter is that if you love someone, why would you want anything else? Even if you like both straight sex and gay sex, if you're in love and in a straight relationship why would you feel the need to stray to the opposite sex for something different? Going back to the girl who cheats on her boyfriend � I would argue that there must be serious flaws in that relationship, serious enough that she feels the need to escape to find in other guys what her boyfriend isn�t giving her. So does that mean that bisexuals are never truly satisfied unless they�re in some kind of open relationship where they can have sex with both men and women? How can they ever be content with any relationship if they are never going to feel completely and utterly fulfilled?

If this guy is "experimenting" and in an "I don�t know, I�m bisexual" kind of phase, I can�t decide whether or not I can deal with that. It�s not that I�m morally opposed to it or that it bothers me knowing he�s had sex with a guy before � because he has. What bothers me is the idea that I�ll never be able to fulfill him. If he likes both men and women, will I ever truly believe that he finds me, and only me, completely sexually attractive? Will I always wonder whether or not a guy could get him off better than I could? Would he fantasize about a guy when I�m giving him a blowjob? I don�t know if I could live with someone knowing that maybe they�re thinking, "Yeah I really love her, I�d never cheat on her...but man I just want cock". Even if he were the most loyal boyfriend, I know I�d feel hurt knowing that there�s something out there that I�ll never be able to give him.

A good reason not to pursue this is the fact that Erin, his lesbian best friend and confidante, thinks he�s gay. Not bisexual, flat-out gay, and I think that says a lot. Is it possible for me to have had a "love at first sight" type of moment with a gay guy? I�m usually fairly good at picking up the gay vibe, but I didn�t suspect it for a second with him. Maybe because I found him physically attractive and that took me over, but it really wasn�t just that...it was his aura...it enveloped me�and I felt like even though I didn�t know a thing about him, I knew everything, and that I could cuddle up in his arms and he�d hold me, and we wouldn�t speak...we wouldn�t need to, we�d just�know.

I guess that I do know the answer to this � I shouldn�t get involved, even if I do like him, because they�re right, if he�s "experimenting" I could definitely get hurt. If it ended up that I really liked him and things were working, I�d get attached, and falling in love with someone who wouldn�t even know if he wanted to be with me, let alone a female altogether...there would be a lot of sexual feelings hurt along the road.

I could go on about this forever, but I guess that pretty much sums up the first of my two guy "issues" of the moment. The comment about tonight making things worse relates to the second issue, so...more to come later.

It�s really nice to actually like guys again.

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