All of them decided to go to Mexico for a few days and leave me alone in the house. I made hot chocolate using his mix, and cried touching the couches, "our" blanket, everything that used to be so familiar to me. Then of course I went upstairs to his room, even though I knew I shouldn't and that it'd make me upset. He'd changed the position of his bed, and a few other things, but otherwise it felt the same, smelled the same. I felt smothered by his presence. I didn't snoop through a lot, just picked up his cell phone which was on the ground. I read one of his old text messages to the bitch that said something like, "are we still going 4 dinner? call me later, I love you".

I put his phone back down in the same place and walked over to his bed. He'd changed his bedspread to a beige coloured one, and there was writing all over it in black marker. The very top said in a scroll-like font "My Relationship", and in every box there was writing. It was as if he'd been keeping a journal on his bedspread. I read the first couple of ones, and they mentioned me. The beginning of the first one said, "It's been 22 days now. I brought Caroline to the party where Krista was, and everyone agreed later that things with her are just [the word here in my dream said 'decontructable', which I'm not sure makes any sense. I think I made up a word while dreaming because I couldn't remember the appropriate word I wanted to use. In any case I know what I was thinking - never going to work, never going to resume, never going to revive]". Another line in the second or third box was comparing their relationship to ours and used the collective term "we" to refer to him and I, as in "When we used to...", without mentioning my name beforehand. It would say "Caroline" straight out like "Caroline and I" but in reference to him and I, it would just say "we" or "our". So that made me feel happy, because it made me realize that at that point he'd obviously still been thinking of me, and of "us" as if we were still together, sort of.

I had a shower in his shower and I woke up soon after that, thinking of him and missing him. I wish he would e-mail me back...I think. I don't know, but this has been driving me crazy. He told me he considered us "friends", so why can't he even talk to me?

Do you think his girlfriend doesn't allow him to? I actually think that might be plausible. It's not too far-fetched that she'd make it clear to him somehow (pouting, for example) that she wasn't happy when he talked to me, and so he avoids it in fear of messing up their relationship. That could very well be it, right? Or am I crazy? I hate thinking about him and knowing I literally have no way of communicating with him. I don't know where he lives, I don't know his phone number, he's blocked me on MSN, and possibly blocked my e-mail address or just refuses to write me back. Our mutual friends will not help me out in any significant way because they don't want to get involved, and I do understand that.

I'm blaming this on the time of year. It's almost inevitable that I'll miss Cody right now because as I've said a million times, this is "our" time - it's the season we first met in, started dating, had the best times of our relationship...and then at the very end of it all, the season in which we broke up and I broke down. I hate this time of year, I really hate it. It's only September 29 and I'm already writing about how much I hate it.

I feel empty without him during the night. I want to call him, hear his voice, hear him tell me that he loves me and misses me. I want to cuddle up with tons of blankets and hot drinks and cookies, watching Mad TV and SNL until I fall asleep in his arms. Cody is autumn and winter. He's warm turtlenecks, Christmas shopping, decorating gingerbread houses with our initials in smarties. He's snow, rain, wind, power outages, candles, cold crisp air outside the warmth of quilts.

Without him I feel like this season isn't real. I'm walking around with my mind in a daze, always looking for something, or someone. Hanging on the hope I will find him, even though deep down I think I know the truth. I don't know where to look anymore.


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