Other good news is that I GOT A CAR! Finally! I picked out a 98 Civic Coupe and it's very cute, and so new and nice compared to the crap car I had before. I'm so excited that I was screaming "YES! YES!" as I was driving it home today. Had to take a loan of $16,000 from the bank of course, meaning I now have car payments every month, on top of the insurance. Luckily it is summer, and I make more money during the summer than any other time of the year, so I'm hoping I'm going to be able to bank a good chunk of summer cash away for the rest of the year to at least help out the car payments until December. I think that I will be okay, at least for the time being. I'm just so happy I have a car again...now I can really go places during the day...

On "A Baby Story" I watched a baby being born in water. It was truly amazing, I still can't believe it. I'd heard of it being done before, but to actually watch it made me want to give birth that way. It just seemed like it would be so soothing. I mean, it was still painful obviously and the mother was still screaming, but she also was saying that getting into the tub felt really nice and that it helped. When the baby was coming out, I swear I was holding my breath and I felt like I was going to burst...and then when it was out and the midwife lifted the baby up out of the water, I burst into tears I was so happy! I felt like I'd just been the one giving birth and that it was my own baby. This baby fever hits me every couple of months, and lately it's been really bad. "A Baby Story" is on twice a day and I never miss it, and I cry every single time the baby comes out. Plus now I want to give birth in water. Told my Mom that and she looked at me like I was insane and said "Krista...you won't get the drugs if you do that" and I said, "Yeah I know, that's the point, it's supposed to be natural and more intimate because you're at home" and she just shook her head.

Not that I need to be thinking about how I'm going to give birth, considering I don't even have a steady boyfriend right now...

I believe that the moment of truth will finally arrive this Friday. Lindsey is having a party at her house, and chances are that Cody will come. I don't know if his girlfriend will come with him too. That would be a double whammy, two moments of truth in one, but I think I need to get them over with already.

I spent a good deal of time last night thinking about all things Cody related, and talking them over with a friend of ours. His final suggestion was that the best thing I could ever do is befriend Cody's girlfriend, because it would make Cody feel better thinking that I had accepted the fact he's with someone else and I'm not bitter, and even if I am bitter inside, I could at least be teaching myself how to tolerate the situation. I do agree with him, it would be nice to have a friendly conversation with Caroline as if I'm not his ex-girlfriend and there isn't any resentment between us. I don't know if I can do it though, at least not this Friday. If I do meet her, I'm not so sure I can jump into the whole "friends" thing like that right off the bat. I hate fake people, so I don't want to be one.

But it isn't fair, I know. I don't know Caroline at all, so I have no reason to resent her. I only resent her because she's with him, and it hurts me to know that he's found someone and is in love again, all the while I'm the one that had to suffer through so much pain. She didn't do anything but get herself into a situation where her boyfriend has an ex-girlfriend that won't leave them alone.

...But I have left them alone for almost six whole months now. I cannot believe I made it this far, but I did, and it's amazing. He's had six months Krista-free, that's a substantial amount of time I would say, enough to at least think, "Hey, maybe she's over me". So I have power now. I have so much power, actually, now that I really think about it. I can go to the party and do my own thing, and I can completely pull off the "I'm over you" stint right in front of him. What I need to convince myself of now is that I really do want him to think that. What's holding me back is the fact that I'm not sure I want him to think I am over him. I'm stupid and I'm clinging to it still, I know. I know exactly what I'm doing and I know that it's bad, but it's hard. It's painful. I don't know him to think I don't love him anymore...I don't want him to forget...

I should choose to pretend I am over him, because the more I pretend, the more I'll start feeling like I really am. That is the logic behind this.

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