This is a final straw right here. I'm severely sleep deprived and way too partied out. Way, way too much alcohol, too much weed, not enough sleep, not enough healthy food. And I think I'm dehydrated, because when I decide to wean myself off of the alcohol for a few hours, I'm drinking coffee or other non-water-substances to keep myself awake. It's disgusting.

I had the most embarassing night of my life last night, so embarassing I don't even want to discuss it. I'd rather just completely forget that it happened. And no, it really doesn't involve anything sexual (that would be too classic), it's just me being a total dumbass and overdoing the partying to a point where it's dangerous and stupid. I can't believe how stupid I am sometimes, I really can't. You'd think after 4 years or so of drinking I'd finally learn when to cut myself off, but no, of course not. If you're wondering now if my embarassing night involved puking or some other gross bodily function, wrong again. That could have been even worse, so hey, at least I didn't puke.

I came home early from work both yesterday and today, so I hope I don't get in trouble. If anyone asks, I haven't been feeling well this weekend (not really a lie - I have a splitting headache right now). I had wanted to go to church tonight but I feel so stupid that I'm ashamed to be inside a church. God's probably sitting up there shaking his head at me and thinking, Oh Krista, whenever will you learn....

I absolutely, positively cannot even believe myself. I really don't understand what possesses me to fuck myself up so badly sometimes. It's like, Hey, guess I won't be needing these brain cells...ever. Thank God I have a young, resilient body that rebounds back no matter what I do to it, because I without a doubt should be in the hospital right now. Maybe I should savour these twenty-year-old moments where I can get really drunk and stoned four nights in a row, hardly sleep at all and still get to work at 9 in the morning two of those days. I cannot even comprehend how I woke up this morning. I feel like I'm scarcely alive right now. Took a look at myself in the mirror and I'm not pretty anymore, I look like absolute shit.

I believe last night won a spot in my Top 5 for most fucked up night (fucked up as in intoxicated). It probably ranks number 2 or 3, which is impressive. Among the other five are Bud Bash, S's 19th Birthday, this past New Years, and when I passed out in Mexico. This last year I've really been destroying myself quite well, haven't I?

I need to take a major breather. I'm staying home tonight and not moving from my bed, ever. I'm going to drink tons of water, sleep, and contemplate how big of a dumbass I am and who I owe apologies and explanations to. The worst part of all of this is, I really wouldn't care so much if it had happened with my party friends, to whom crazy things happen on a regular basis. I was out with my good-girl friends, the ones that don't get intoxicated, or if they do, it's like, "Oh my God I had a whole beer, I'm sooooo drunk!". I feel like such a loser, like the stupid bad girl of the group or something. Even though I know that it isn't really a big deal to them and they had fun last night anyway, I still feel stupid. It'll pass in a few days, every embarassing night I've ever had has passed. I thought I'd never live down New Years, but I was over it in a week.

That is all this is, one of those nights I'm going to look back on and think, Oh well. There really isn't anything I can do now. No more drinking this week, seriously. I'm so done.

<< || >>