I woke up this morning and I was flooded by these really depressing feelings and the one single thing I could think was "I don't have a boyfriend". I don't even remember dreaming about having a boyfriend, or Cody, or anything like that, it seemed like the thoughts came out of nowhere.

I guess that lately I have been thinking more of how I want to be with someone. Maybe it's because I haven't been socializing as much lately, seeing as I'm not supposed to be going out to clubs and I haven't been partying a lot. The perks of being single haven't been exercised in a while so I'm losing my "I love being single" attitude (did I ever love being single?) and I wish I had someone to just call up and ask to come over and watch TV with and cuddle. I just want someone to hold me...

Gahhh, I hate whining. It reminds me of being 16 and whining about everything, and I'm determined never to be like that again for the rest of my life. I'm not totally miserable.

I feel so brain dead. It's been hard finding the words to write this. I just want to crawl in bed and cry, I really do. But I won't. We're driving an hour away to my uncle and aunt's house for this family dinner thing tonight. Why do family functions always seem to fall on days I feel like shit.

I think I know what might be bothering me today anyway. I was invited out for sushi (I told you we go a lot) and I think it's a big group thing, all of my old friends, and I wouldn't be surprised if Cody is going. I can't go, because I'll be at the family thing. So thinking that I've missed another opportunity to see Cody is bugging me. I keep having to remind myself that there are still three and a half months left this summer and there will be plenty of opportunities to face him.

Do I want to face him now? What the hell do I want? Some days I decide that I don't want to see him at all and it's better if we just ignore each other, but then I cry myself to sleep at night missing him, wanting to talk to him and be friends with him. I'm jealous of girls who are still close with their ex-boyfriends and I just don't understand why I can't have the same thing...so I want to be friends with Cody, it would seem. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I want to be nice to him.

Now I feel like smacking myself and screaming HELLO, because I've been over this so many times and established the fact that I don't think Cody and I can ever be friends again. I have too many feelings for him, it just won't work. I know I'd pretend to be totally cool with the "just friends" thing, and then I'd refuse to acknowledge that his girlfriend exists. That's a huge problem. I'm not okay with seeing her, talking to her...I doubt I'd be okay with anything to do with her. Cody and I, we just can't be friends. As long as I still have ideas in my head that we'd get back together if only we spent more time together...no. No no no.

So I'm upset, and I cry, because I miss him, but then it hardly seems like there's anything I can do. I just wish that the guy that means so much to me would want to talk to me again, be my friend, care about me....But he doesn't. I don't know how to change that.

I feel like I'm throwing such a huge part of me away. All of the time we spent together, for what? To stop talking altogether and not even know each other anymore. I feel like a part of me is missing, while he probably doesn't even think of me. I went from being everything to being nothing, just a memory, just someone you'd see when you flip through his photo album. People probably ask him, "Who's she?" and he probably just says "Oh, I went out with her in high school", and that's it. Like it wasn't anything special.

Fuck I'm crying so hard and I have to go. Why can't I just forget about him, why can't I move on...


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