-worried about getting into UBC
-worried about confrontation with Cody
-can't understand how Oscar and Shell can be so close again and getting back together, makes me really jealous
-don't wanna see Cody's girlfriend
-don't want him living with her
-need another job, have no money
-injury frustration
-sick of looking at the scar on my chest
-sick of driving people around
-frustrated by my lack of creativity lately in regards to my writing
-don't know what I'm doing with my life
-want a boyfriend
-feel really fat, eat too much
-paranoid about skin
-worried about Carmen being depressed
-want to get away from here
-feel too old to still be dependant on my parents, but have no money to move out, back to the money issue
-wish Shannon and I were still close, miss her
-really miss Cody, bad dreams, want it to just go away already
-worried about collarbone not healing properly
-feel bad about not going to Kelowna with family
-not exercising enough, miss field hockey
-need a new car

I've never felt so fat in my entire life. And I thought that yesterday I ate too much when Shannon, Meg and I went out for Greek food and I seriously thought I was going to die. It was so good though, I love Greek food...okay I love all food, but I especially love Greek food. I figured it'd be okay because I wouldn't be hungry today until much later and then I'd just eat a salad or something...but then I went for Japanese. If you ever come to Vancouver, you have to go for Japanese, there are sushi places literally on every corner where I live. Most places offer all you can eat sushi during certain times of the day (and night) ranging from $10-15. So we go out for sushi a lot, and today I overdid it as usual. I really need to stay away from anything with the words "all you can eat" in it...

I can't help it if I'm a big fan of food, and I'm not really fat. I'm not someone you'd look at and think, "Whoa she's so skinny" but I'm definitely not fat. I'm just...normal. But today, I weighed myself and I've gained another 2 pounds or so, making that about 14 pounds I've gained this year which is slightly alarming. I'm just realizing now how skinny I really was in high school. I can't believe how badly I used to freak out about my thighs. If only I could have seen myself now...

I think that even my Mom sees it. In the past, when I'd mention needing to lose weight, she'd get really mad at me. My Dad used to force me to eat all of my dinner because he thought I was too skinny and that I was intentionally trying to lose weight (when I wasn't). Before I went to Hawaii I noticed that all of my shorts were too small, and I only have one pair of jeans that still fit me. One night I came downstairs for dinner and I whined, "Mooommmy, I'm sooo fat now!" and she didn't even look up from what she was doing, she just said, "Yeah, well that's what happens when you get older". I feel so disgusting. My brother even commented that I had "big legs" and that my stomach was bulging out from my jeans when I sat down (but come on, who's stomach doesn't do that when they sit down?!). Like my brother even understands, he's a guy...isn't it normal for girls to put on a little weight after high school? You know, because we're in our child bearing years and wanna bulk up the hips and what not...makes sense...or maybe I'm just going totally crazy with the sushi and I'm not exercising as much as I used to.

Okay, so I want to lose 15 lbs. That can be one of my summer goals, seeing as I'm getting crappy hours at work and I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands to go to the gym and be obsessive about it. I had this internal rule I established a couple years ago, where I told myself that as soon as I reached the 130s in weight, I'd get serious about things. When I weighed myself today I was 132 so...rock on. The first thing I need to do is stop eating when I don't need to eat, and when I do eat, don't eat to the point of puking. I think that normal people do that a few times a year, at Thanksgiving or Christmas, and that's understandable. I get to that point at least 3 times a week. I swear that sometimes it is the influence of becoming closer with Jess, because her and I together are a recipe for disaster. Just last night we made popcorn, drizzled it with butter and cheese and then sprinkled taco seasoning all over it. That's just a mild example of the weird concoctions and cravings we end up pigging out on. This was after I stuffed myself with Greek, and then eaten leftovers my Mom left me.

So my main gripe today is about my weight, and I really hate complaining about it. The thing is, it's not like I'm that self-conscious about my body, I don't think I look all that bad. I mean I could look better and skinnier, but it's more that I can feel the fat and it's making me feel really unhealthy. I want to feel like I have a really tight body, so that I can fit back into all of my pants again. That will feel so awesome...

It's so difficult to lose weight when you're not really overweight, so I think this will be a challenge, but I'm up for it.

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