I had bad Cody dreams last night, which pretty much set the mood for the entire day. I woke up feeling really disoriented and just...sad. It felt like old times, really. I did some chores for my Mom around the house and stayed in my pajamas until 3, when some friends called me asking if I wanted to go out for coffee. I forced myself to go out because I really needed to get out of the house and see people.

Now here's something I don't know if I've mentioned before, but I'm starting to get really pissed off about having to drive my friends everywhere. I didn't really mind before, because I felt bad for Shell after her stupid father kicked her out of the house and took away her car. I knew it was impossible for her to afford her own car, so I really didn't mind having to drive everytime we went to go do stuff. And Anna, I didn't mind driving either, just because I didn't mind driving in general and I loved my car and it's CD player and we had a good time. Lindsey's only home for part of the year so I never mind driving her. But since the accident, obviously I'm not too keen on driving again, and though I've done it a few times (using one of my grandparents cars they lent me for a while), I don't want to be expected to drive when Anna could ask her brother for his car. She could have easily asked him, but still makes me drive, after I was in a big accident. That really bothered me today. I was so nervous the entire way there, and picking up all three of them took so long and it was just such a pain in the ass. So I was mad about that, before we even got to the coffee place.

We're sitting there talking and I was totally spacing out. Finally Shell asked me what was wrong and I said, "I don't know", and I totally burst into tears! I didn't even feel it coming, it was the weirdest thing ever. I just started to cry and I couldn't stop, and I didn't even know what I was crying about. Anna just said, "Whoooaaa..." and they tried to come up with ideas on how I could feel better without really knowing what's wrong (eg. let's smoke a lot of pot, let's go break things, let's egg Cody's house) but it really didn't make me feel better. Then they decided they did want to smoke up, but right away. I wanted to go home and shower, eat dinner and stuff before going out, so I opted to go home instead and think about why I'm feeling depressed and go out tomorrow. I don't like smoking up during the day it just feels wrong, plus I don't like coming home to my family when I'm high and pretending I'm not (had a conversation with my brother a few months ago when I was stoned and it did not go over well).

I'm at a weird stage with marijuana anyway. I think that I'm trying to be cautious for my own safety right now, because it's summer and I know how last summer we smoked so much that come September it was actually on the verge of becoming a problem. It's not helping that everyone at the BBQ the other night was urging me to smoke pot because apparently when you have injuries like back pain or neck pain from car accidents, marijuana really does serve medicinal purposes. I didn't though, even though the smell of it everywhere was tantalizing. I don't want to become some sort of addict, but I also know that I'm smart enough not to go overboard. For a while I was on an anti-drug spree.

Here's something funny/shocking - today at coffee I asked what Anna was doing about finding a job, since she was fired a couple of weeks ago from Breadgarden for being caught stealing money (among other things). Anna was away from the table at the time and Shell just sort of stayed quiet but had a weird smile/look on her face, so I asked, "What?" and she said, "Just ask Anna that question when she gets back, she might tell you". Of course that had Lindsey and I curious so we started firing questions, until Linds asked, "Is she stripping?!" and Shell said, "You're on the right track..."

I totally freaked out and Linds said, "Is that it, or is it just the right track" and she said, "Just the right track", so we asked and asked until Shell finally caved and hinted that it involved something on the internet. That was my guess ("Is she putting naked pics on the net or something?!"). I was never explained in full what exactly she's doing, but from what I get from it, I think it involves videocam stripping? Shell was saying that Anna was insisiting, "No, you don't have to take off all your clothes, you can stay in your underwear and just touch yourself"...but still! I cannot even believe that she would even consider something like that, that's just...I don't even have words to express it. It's not that I'm disgusted, I'm just shocked that she'd even think of that, I mean who actually does that for real? My questions are:
-how do you know you're actually going to get paid for it
-what if someone you know finds it, like your brother
-isn't that sort of...degrading
-why don't you get off your lazy ass and look for a real job

Apparently when she told Shell about it originally, Shell asked the same thing, "What if someone finds it?". Anna says, "No they won't, it's a company from the U.S.". Uhh...okay. Shell tried to explain to her that the internet is worldwide, but Anna seriously didn't get it. She kept insisting that nobody could find it because it's from the States. So we all laughed about that and decided not to try to explain it to her further and then laugh at her when she gets screwed over by it.

I really love Anna, I do, she's one of my best friends. And if she ever finds this diary, I'm the one who's screwed because I often write about my friends without really thinking that they could come across this one day, but I guess that's the risk I'm taking. Anna is a beautiful girl, I mean she really is gorgeous...any guy I've ever known has thought she's beautiful. She's hot and she knows it, and loves to show it off, and she's very....sexual, so the idea of her wanting to strip in front of people doesn't really surprise me. I'd be less surprised if she wanted to strip at a club, but the fact that it's on the net is just...I don't know, it's making me laugh. It probably makes her feel good thinking (knowing) that guys are going to think she's hot and jack off to her pictures or whatever. Still, my jaw practically hit the floor when I found out. It's just like...who actually does that?!

It may sound sick, but if she does end up on the net somewhere, I have to find those pictures. How could I not, my best friend is naked and touching herself somewhere on here, that's hilarious! I have a feeling that one night we're all gonna get high and then go searching for Anna's pictures. I'd be really surprised if she ever tells us the website but...I could get it out of her...maybe the more hits she gets, the more money she makes? I'd be doing her a favour!

Anyway, enough about the adventures of my slutty friends...

I'm really getting into David Gray, so I'm going to try to title the rest of my diary entries for the month with lyrics from his songs.

<< || >>