Ever since the accident I've felt sort of strange. Not every day, but most days. I've been so distant. I get lonely and easily depressed, yet I don't want to see people. Sometimes I ignore friends when they call, and when people express concern about me and ask me about the accident, it's the last thing I want to talk about. I look away and hardly respond at all, and I've been so sensitive to everything. I'm usually pretty moody and emotional, but there have been days lately where I really have to talk things over with myself and tell myself to think rationally, or calm down, or smile. I guess I'm in some kind of funk, and I don't know why really. I think that it's normal to feel depressed after something like this, I mean I've been practically scarred for life physically and I'm still in minor pain. So many times already this summer I've had to give up doing things with friends that I just can't do - play tennis, volleyball on the beach, basketball, golf, dancing. But I don't want to wallow in self pity, I really don't. I have better things to do, like putting my efforts into getting into UBC, so that I actually have a plan for my education next fall. I'm going to go tomorrow morn to get my high school transcript and send it to them, so that maybe someone will realize that I really am a smart girl. I'm already preparing myself for writing a damn good appeal. God, I really shouldn't have to be appealing UBC's decisions...I should have been in that school two years ago. Arrgh. No, no self pity.
I'm in a really shitty mood for a few reasons I guess. Cody wasn't at the club last night according to Shell, and I don't know if I was relieved to hear that or disappointed. Then I got to sit on the phone for half an hour listening to her tell me all about how her ex came over last night and they talked all through the night, then fell asleep in each others arms, then when he had to leave, they kissed. She said that she didn't like it and that it was a really messed up night, but how could I not be jealous of that? Work was super boring and the day dragged by so slowly that I seriously felt like hitting my head against the wall. I need another job this summer, I really do, and that makes me frustrated because searching for jobs has got to be one of the worst things in the world to have to do. I might not work at the preschool summer program I did last year in the summer because the number of kids has been cut, so the number of staff has been cut, and there's a high possibility that they won't even need me. That's $1000 of summer money for me that just flew out the window. I'm so broke, and next weekend I'm going car shopping with my non-existent money. I need a car ASAP, to get to work, and then to get to school in a few months. My parents are urging me to buy a new car and then pay monthly payments on it...monthly payments with my non-existent money, plus insurance and gas and maintenance and....seriously, I think I'm going to cry.
I know I said I didn't want to wallow in self pity but fuck it. Of course the whole UBC thing is stressing me out, especially with my Mom down my back every second day, "Did you get a letter from UBC yet? When will you know?". I don't know how many times I've had to tell her, I don't know Mom, probably not for another month at least, I don't even think I'll get in...
Then tonight I saw my 13-year-old cousin who is taller than me and has bigger boobs, and I think that was the last straw. Plus all of the relatives asking me about the accident and my injuries and me having to explain the same things over and over again like I've been having to do for the past three weeks. I know I can't blame people for asking, it just gets tedious.
I feel like singing my lungs out. I wish nobody was home right now so that I could blast some music, plug in one of my dad's old microphones and just sing.
Sing to me the song of the stars, of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again...when it feels like my dreams are so far, sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again
<< || >>
