So I'm pretty much set to go now. I can't think of anything else I need. Got my ticket, my American cash that totally and literally wiped out my bank account (damn the exchange rate), skirts, bikinis...I'm so ready. I can't wait to be near a beach - yes, I live on the coast, but the beaches aren't Hawaii style and the ones that are remotely close aren't nearly as warm, and the shore is murky foresty-type ocean water. I'm so Hawaii-bound it's not even funny. All I can think about is getting away from here...I've been waiting to get away for so many months, and it's finally come. No more school, no more Vancouver. I need a vacation in a serious way.

So far I haven't heard a peep about Cody being home, even though I know he must be. Some of the old crew went out for sushi last night, and I declined in fear of him being there, but it turned out he didn't even go. I'm thinking that he probably was invited but didn't go for some unknown reason, and that the reason I haven't heard anything about him yet is because people are purposely not mentioning him around me. The select few know that inside I'm still a total freak about the entire situation and that secretly I'm thinking, Is Cody going to be there?, and so they keep Cody information from me to shield me from it all. This is my twisted mind working its ways. For all I know he isn't even home yet, but I can't imagine he isn't. Universities here are done with exams by now. Maybe he is living somewhere with his roommates though...or his girlfriend. He's a stupid fuck if he moved in with his girlfriend already, they haven't even been together a year...or maybe that isn't stupid and I'm just immature when it comes to college dating rituals, seeing as I haven't had a steady boyfriend since Cody and I'm totally unfamiliar with college dating etiquette. Is it normal to move in with a girlfriend after dating her for 8 months or so?

I like to do this every once in a while, I like to test myself. It's good to test yourself, I think. It's a little game called Let's Pretend. Let's pretend that Cody has moved into an apartment with his girlfriend. How would I feel at this exact moment, thinking of him living with his girlfriend...uuugh. I guess it's okay. I'm not throwing a total spazz but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me at all. It's not even the sex that makes me that jealous (don't get me wrong, it does make me a little jealous but that isn't all of it), it's the fact that he's in love with her. That is what upsets me, the idea of him loving someone else and thinking that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Knowing that he once felt that way with me, told me he loved me, and that he'd always love me no matter what. He told me he wanted to marry me, wanted to be together forever. Together forever...the two most evil words combined. It hurts me to think that the feelings he has for her now, he once had for me, and they're gone now. Are feelings really that fickle...

No reason to dwell on it though. I used to play that game in my mind all the time, trying to figure out why he stopped loving me - what's wrong with me, what did I do wrong? Am I not pretty enough, not skinny enough, maybe if I cut my hair, or wear this or wear that, or if I act like I'm not the same person I was before and that I wouldn't be jealous of anything else for the rest of my life, he'll love me again. I sincerely believed for at least a year that I could win back his love, if only I didn't give up on it. At some point, I did give up. I don't think I gave up until this January when I made the decision to stop calling him once and for all.

But even then, I wonder, have I really given up? Shannon used to always tell me that the best way to get a guy to notice you is to ignore him...I'm not sure how sound that advice is, but I can see her point. I still wonder if he thinks of me, if he wonders why I stopped calling all of a sudden...does that mean that I'm still trying to get him back, I'm just using the ignoring method? Good God.

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