I saw Meg tonight. She came over to watch TV with me, and at the last minute I chickened out and called over two other friends to come hang out with us. I wish now that I hadn't have done that, because I haven't talked to her in so long. I think we needed to be alone tonight.

The only time we were sort of alone was the short ride in the car to the ice cream place. I couldn't help myself, I had to ask about Cody. I debated it in my mind for so long - should I or should I not bring him up? No, I really knew that I shouldn't have. I did anyway, somehow working into the conversation, "Do you know if Cody is home yet?". She said that she thought so, because she'd called his res number today and it was disconnected. I then started some stupid half-sentence about him and I not talking for a long time, ending with "I just...I don't know". She said, "You don't know what?" and I said, "I dunno, I just...I dunno...". Because I honestly didn't know what I was trying to get at. Why did I choose to ask her about Cody? What was my reason, what information was I trying to obtain? I didn't know. I finally mumbled out something about wanting to talk to him again, and wondering if he ever wondered about me. She didn't respond, and we were quiet for a couple of minutes. I was looking out the window in a daze, and mumbled again, "I miss him". She said, "Well yeah, that's expected". I wanted to ask her a billion questions about him, but I didn't know where to begin, and I didn't know if I even wanted to know. Is he living at home all summer? Does he still have a girlfriend? How often do you see him? How'd he do in school? Where is he working? Does he ever ask about me? Does he know I was in an accident and I'm hurt? Was he worried? Did he ask if I'm okay?

It's driving me crazy wondering if Cody knows about what happened, and I'm sure he must know because I can't imagine that it got around to my friends half way across the world before getting to him. I wonder if he ever considered calling me to see how I am? I'm having these really bad urges to call him, just to say hi, and reassure him that I am okay even though he probably doesn't care enough to need to be reassured.

I'm worried that it's the drama queen in me resurfacing, fantasizing about my ex-boyfriend hearing about my accident and getting horribly upset and rushing to my bedside when I'm in need. I feel the need to call him and whine to him so that he'll feel guilty somehow, and he'll pay more attention to me and something will rekindle between us. It's utterly pathetic and I feel sick knowing that I know this is the way I'm thinking and I can hardly help it. I think about how Michelle called her ex from the hospital and I wish I'd also pulled the damsel in distress act on Cody. I want more than anything for him to be worried about me, pay attention to me, take care of me. I can play the poor wounded pretty girl so well...if only he were here to see it.

Why I am trying to find ways to manipulate Cody, I am not sure. Maybe it's all a natural reaction to being injured. I naturally want the physical comfort and I want someone to take care of me while I'm in pain. I have a feeling that it goes deeper than that, because of the fact that he's actually home now and our summer has officially begun, bringing up the whole Cody-Summer problem. I need to face the fact that I'm going to have to see him sometime soon. It's just something that is going to come up, I know it is, and I think I really need it. I need to face him, figure out my feelings and go from there.

I feel sick and I want to cry. I've been so positive and good today, I think that I actually over exerted myself a bit because I really do feel nauseous. I have a long day of shopping ahead of me, and I'm praying that the collarbone will be able to take it. Being so upbeat all day has worn me out, and I think I deserve to just cry tonight. Just for a short while, about Cody, about everything. I'm so confused about my feelings for him, and I have so much more to say on it...but I must sleep.

This is odd - as most people know, I usually dream a lot, but since the accident I don't remember one single dream I've had. I've been able to sleep 12 dreamless hours straight.

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