I'm so, so upset. I know I said I was being positive and I'd heal, but this makes everything so different. My collarbone is broken, and it's not going to start feeling better for a long time. I'm definitely going to be in the same pain a week from now when I'm supposed to leave. I'm supposed to be wearing this thing around my back and shoulders that pulls my shoulders and elbows back, kind of like a posture perfector. It's really the only thing they can do for a broken collarbone, and it's big and ugly and I feel like a monster wearing it. After my mom put it on me and then put my huge t-shirt over top I still looked messed up and we both just started laughing. Then my laughter turned to tears and I said there's no way I'm wearing it in Hawaii. She did the motherly, "Well do you want to have problems for the rest of your life because it didn't heal properly bla bla bla" thing. I know it's completely true but I am really not wearing this if I go away. I just won't. I know myself, and I'm too vain, I won't wear it.

I just feel like getting in bed and crying, crying, crying. I'm so upset. I don't even know if I want to go anymore, just because I feel like I'm going to be such a burden. I know I'll be a burden. I can't fucking dress myself, I can't do my hair, it takes me forever to have a shower, I can't sleep through the night, I need to take about two million pills at different times each day, I have issues eating, I can't carry anything, I have little energy, and even if I did wear this brace I need someone to put it on me and take it off.

Maybe I'll write more later, I can't anymore. I'm in too much pain. I feel like I just want to bawl my eyes out...I want to just enjoy my summer...I can't stand this neverending pain any longer, it just never goes away...


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