Before I begin I just have to say that I'm so jealous of the sunshine everyone seems to be getting lately. A lot of my favourites I read have mentioned weekend camping excursions, tanning, and how the temperature is up around 30 C (that's all you Ontario people - damn you!). I'm finding it hard to comprehend because it's been pouring here for at least a week. I would kill to see a piece of blue sky right now or feel a little natural heat from the sun...I feel like I'm becoming the pasty white witch of the North...

On to other exciting things. I haven't been sleeping well at all this week and I've been thinking about Cody every night. I don't know why, I just keep having these really bad flashbacks of things that happened over a year ago...and I get really sad, and I feel like I'm going to start crying but then I shake some sense into myself.

UBC sent me an actual letter today just to verify the fact that I suck and can't get good enough grades. Okay I know I don't suck, and my grades are fine, maybe they just aren't well above the minimum required for admission. It still hasn't really hit me that I might not go to UBC in the fall. I really, actually might not be able to go. What am I going to do? I really can't go to college again, I just don't want to...I'll feel like such a fuck up. If I had stayed in University instead of going back to college, I wouldn't have to face any of this...I wouldn't have to worry about my grades meeting a certain standard, I'd just be in and all I'd care about is passing my classes. I'm so frustrated by this entire system. I didn't want to send them my SFU grades but I had to, because it has my first year English mark that I used as a transfer to get into second year English at college...so without my SFU grades, my college grades don't make any sense...I didn't have a choice...fuck I was fucking depressed, can't they just make an exception...ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Again, I need to calm down because there's nothing I can do about it now. There really isn't anything. I can curse at them all I want, but it isn't going to change anything. I'm doing what I can right now and if I have to do another semester at college well then...fuck, I guess I have to. I'm going to have to go through this intense anger-calming myself down process several times in the next couple of months until I hear back from UBC so bare with me. And if I end up not getting in in the end, I'll be very, very upset. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, because at this point in time, my hopes aren't very high.

Okay, so breathe. Breathe, breathe, drink Aberfoyle lemon-water concoction. All is good.

Saturday is 4/20 and I fully intend on celebrating to get my mind off of all of this bullshit. Michelle will be away in Victoria most likely, and I'm mad at her for bailing on me after we had made party plans, but I suppose I can do without her. I haven't been really, really stoned in a long time.

Carmen just called to ask what page I'm on in our book that we're have supposed to have read for the final tomorrow morning. I told her I'm on page eight, and she yelled, "WHAT?!". I thought that meant she was way ahead of me, but then she said, "You actually made it to page eight?!". Hahah....I guess I can't complain about not getting into UBC if I'm not even reading the book I have to write an essay on tomorrow, can I? But this book is so boring, I mean it was a serious struggle to get through eight pages. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, and my mark is so important for the class.

I feel like just running outside in the rain and screaming FUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK. I used the word "fuck" a few more times than usual today. You know you're starting to lack vocabulary when...Or, maybe I am just really, really angry.

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