The wind is hurling raindrops against my window and I feel like I'm stuck in the dead of winter again. It's supposed to be spring, but it has been dark, gloomy, rainy as usual.

I said a prayer today before I left to take my first final. I said the Lord's Prayer first, I don't know why. Probably because it's one of those prayers I have known since I was very little and it's really the first thing that pops into my head when I think "prayer". So I said that, and then went on to talk to God. I asked Him to please hear my prayers, and please let me get a decent grade on my test because I really need it. I told Him that it means a lot to me, and that I think I really deserve this. I don't think I've ever said a true, honest prayer to God before a test. I've never had to pray for intelligence.

I've been thinking about everything, and I know it won't kill me to do another semester at college if I have to. The only thing it hurts is my pride, knowing Cody is at SFU when I am smarter than him, when I'm the one who is supposed to be where I want to be. I don't mean to have hateful feelings towards him but lately I just can't help it. I think it's my way of protecting myself emotionally. I know he is coming home very soon, probably within the week. And I know that sometime this summer, I will have to see him. I'm trying to guard myself from getting hurt again by hating him, because convincing myself that I'm so angry at him and that he's the biggest jerk in the world makes me think I care less about him than I actually do.

In Chapters today I picked up a huge book of Astrology and checked my birthdate. It said that I'm strong-minded and logical, but my biggest weakness is that I'm emotionally immature, and that I have a hard time hiding raw emotions like jealousy, anger, and inappropriate adoration for another person.

I feel so inadequate today. I'm not smart enough, I'm not happy enough, I'm just not...uuugh. I'm not anything. My mind just isn't working and I feel like I've lost every creative bone in my body. I used to think so poetically, and my words were so beautiful. I used to want to be a writer and for a while I thought I had a decent chance at making it, but now I can hardly think of what to write in my diary. Those drugs I took, those drugs...they may have helped save me from the deepest pit of depression, but they also short circuited every creative spark I ever had. Sometimes I think that I had more direction when I was depressed. I knew what I wanted and that was it. I had only a few goals in life, and though they were unhealthy goals, at least I was going somewhere. Going down instead of up, perhaps, but I'm hardly going up right now. I'm sort of stuck in a fork in the road and it's a hurried frenzy of Left? Right! Left?, coming closer and closer to a place where I'm going to have to make some decisions.

I really should have left the house tonight instead of wallowing in self-pity like this. I've been trapping myself indoors all week in an attempt to study, and I really should have gone out with friends. I feel like I'm going to bounce off the walls or scream with frustration. I need to do something for myself tomorrow, so I think I will go get my hair done. I need something different anyway, so I'm thinking lots of blonde, and long, wispy Cameron Diaz style bangs. I'm getting excited now. New hair always makes me happy, as superficial as that is.

I felt so famous a couple of nights ago because the radio DJ played my voice over the air saying, "Hi, can I vote for Jennifer Lopez?". Every night the station has a competition between two new songs, and I always call in to vote if I'm at work. They never play my voice, but this time they did.

I used to say I couldn't do it (but I did it)
After telling everybody that I wasn't with it
Though it brings tears to my eyes, I can feel it
And I know inside I'm gonna be alright...

-I'm Gonna Be Alright by Jennifer Lopez

<< || >>