Today was pretty shitty. I had bad Cody dreams all night and woke up feeling unrested. I meant to study during the day but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything, so I made some lunch and watched There's Something About Mary instead, just because I felt like it. At this point in time I had not recieved any UBC news and so I wasn't worried about my grades, thinking they were fine. I had a dentist appointment at 4pm, and we all know what a fun addition that is to the day. I fought with my brother the entire way there and back, even while we were in the waiting room. Everyone in my family seems to be in a really bad mood today and snapping at each other for the stupidest things.

So I was on edge from fighting with everyone by the time I got home. I decided to check my application status on the UBC website and it said that based on my interim grades, I did not qualify for early admission and that my final grades would have to be received before a decision would be made. I totally lost it and sunk to the floor, bawling my eyes out for a few minutes.

Then I thought about it - wait - I didn't even apply for early admission. I wouldn't have qualified for it to begin with because my documents weren't even sent by the deadline. I knew that, so it's not necessarily a matter of my grades not being high enough. Don't freak out, don't freak out...just breathe...

But now I don't know what to think. I really thought my grades were high enough - why would they have put "based on your grades" if it was a deadline issue and not, well, based on my grades?! If it actually is based on my grades then I don't know what to do. I'm doing the best I can right now, and I get A's and B's. What more do they want?

Sometimes I resent my post-secondary experience so much that I can't help but cry. I can't shake the feeling that this entire process I'm having to go through now is just so incredibly unfair. I feel like screaming, Please listen to me, I really am smart, I got into University the first time around no problem...please trust me. I feel like I'm being cheated. UBC accepted me unconditionally just a couple years ago, before I went to hell and back. Isn't it obvious to them that I did very well in high school and well in college, and it was just that one semester at SFU that I fucked up? It makes me so mad that I have to try just to get back into a school that accepted me once before without a doubt. I just wish none of this had ever happened, I wish I hadn't of had to transfer schools so much...I just wish Cody would die...

I know that none of this is my fault, and sadly I can't blame Cody either. I know I had to leave SFU for a reason and that considering my circumstances and mental health I did pretty damn well anyway. I learned to feel proud of myself, but when things like this happen I just don't see how I can be...it's like, you know it's great that I actually got B's in my courses when I was super depressed but if that can't even get me back into UBC...how great is that, really? I feel like the hugest failure. I had everything going for me, I had an academic scholarship, I had acceptance into every school I applied to, and I screwed it all up. And now I'm where I am today, fighting to get good enough grades to get back into a school that I rejected two years ago. UBC begged me to attend their school! They sent me calendars, brochures, letters, you name it for months after I'd rejected them. And now my grades don't qualify? I feel like phoning someone up and just saying, fuck you.

I don't want to go to community college for another semester. Not because I think it's a bad school, just because I don't think it's the way things should be. I did my stint at college, and I truly enjoyed it. I made a lot of friends, I had fun, and I am so proud to say that I am probably fully recovered from my depression. In a lot of ways I'm sad to leave college, but I need to. I'm healthy, I'm ready, I'm supposed to be going back to the school I was meant to go to. It's just the way that it has to work out. If my grades aren't high enough now, what the hell am I supposed to do?

Now I'll be waiting for at least another two months for UBC to tell me if I'm in or not, and that will be hell. I'm already a wreck thinking that if I screw up my English final, it's over. I'll get a C+ in English and I won't get in. I never thought I'd get a C+ in English in my life, but what could I have done? I had a hard teacher who gave out marks like that. It's not that I didn't do my homework, or I didn't hand things in on time, or that I didn't understand the material...I really tried, and I can't think of a whole lot else I could have done in that course to do any better than I did.

I've been a perfectionist all my life, and I have standards for myself. If I can't even get into UBC after being at college, I will feel like I have failed myself so badly. I feel like I'm going to cry again just wondering, is it really my grades that weren't high enough? How is that possible? My GPA at college has been 3.5, and I know that exceeds the average for getting in from college. I know it's my SFU marks holding it all back, I know it.

So what can I do now? Study for my finals as usual, take them, wonder if I even have a chance in hell at getting in. I just want to cry, because this was what I dreaded the most - not knowing. For the next two months I won't know where I'm going to school in the fall.

My mind is whirling, wondering if there are ways to protest it all. If they totally reject me after seeing my final grades, how could I appeal it? Okay look, for a year I was suicidal, I cut my arms up and I didn't go to class but can't you see that I cleaned everything up and I'm getting A's again? Can't you just ignore the SFU stuff and look at what I can do now...

My first exam is tomorrow and I'm so nervous, even though I'm going into that one with an A- already. I should be fine, but now I'm freaking out - my grades aren't high enough, my grades aren't high enough, my grades aren't high enough...

I feel like a three year old, but God this is just so...unfair.


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