My computer is being a total bitch. I'm downstairs on the main computer in our house right now because the one I usually use is dismantled. My grandad came over today to give me an old one of his that he doesn't need anymore, which is technically better than the one I was using, but so far it is also being a bitch - an even bigger bitch than my other one. I need to reformat it and delete a bunch of junk from it so that it doesn't freeze up every 5 minutes, but I don't know how to do that. I'll have to wait until tomorrow night when my dad is home and can help me out. I hate not having a computer, plus I lost my ICQ list. Luckily I thought to save my Word documents to a floppy disk before it was hacked to pieces, because there are lots of letters to Cody, short stories, poems, etcetera that I have in there, and I would have cried if I'd lost all of that...

That reminds me, last night I cried. Not a wimpy cry that lasts 10 seconds, I mean I really cried. It really surprised me, but it actually felt kind of good. I was in bed and I couldn't fall asleep, and then I realized that I missed Cody, and that things from the past were really bothering me - particularly my experiences at SFU, losing my scholarship, stuff like that. I still can't shake the feeling of failure and it has been almost two years...I talked to God for twenty mintues and totally bawled my eyes out about everything that I've cried about a million times over...and then I fell asleep, at least feeling that I'd acknowledged why I've been feeling depressed lately.

I always stressed to Cody that my one biggest fear in the entire world was that he was going to forget about me. I don't know if he has or not, but I know he must not think of me often. I'm not a part of his life at all anymore, and that is the one thing I always promised myself I wouldn't let happen...I didn't want us to drift apart, so that things are awkward, and we're so out of touch with each others lives that we're not even friends anymore, we're barely acquaintances...

I was wondering last night if he'd even recognize my voice, if I just called him up and said "hey", I wonder how he would react...would I tell him that I still love him? What would we talk about? I feel like I want to cry again, because I wish it didn't have to end up like this. I wish that we didn't have such a horrible ending because now everything to do with him I try to force out of my mind, and I can't stand to relive memories of us being together because it is painful. I never wanted to forget about him, and I didn't want him to forget about me. And now I'm consciously trying to forget about him. I used to feel proud of myself for every day that passed that I didn't call him, but as I wrote in my journal last night I coloured a big "79 DAYS" at the top and I realized I do not feel proud of myself for that anymore. It makes me sad, and I wish that I could call him now...but it has been so long...

I hate the month of March. It's not warm but it's not bitterly cold, it rains a lot, it's cloudy a lot, school is so close to being done that I start worrying about him coming home...what will happen this summer? We will inevitably see each other, but how will I feel? I know I will be so nervous I will feel sick to my stomach. What about his girlfriend? Will I have to face her? Will I cry a lot afterwards? Will he actually talk to me?

I don't know what this summer holds for me. If I try to ignore him because I am scared to face everything, it will end up like last summer - smoking a lot of pot, partying too much, staying away from old friends that remind me of him. I'm not sure if I want to do all of that again. Sometimes it is appealing because it takes me away from everything in my life. It sounds lame, but I swear to God that marijuana actually helped me shake the depression. But I don't want to overdo it again...I also do not want to face him...

I really don't feel well this week. Last night as I cried, I could have sworn I could feel my brain again (I once described how I can "feel" my brain - long story), and I could feel the disease in it and it just feels so dirty, contaminated...it oozes into every crevice and you want to shake it off so bad, but at the same time you just let it invade you...

I don't want to get like this again and I don't know why I'm falling back into it. I do remember that I felt similarly last March though, knowing Cody would be home in two or three weeks.

I suppose it is severe anxiety, coupled with lack of sleep. I just can't seem to fall asleep lately. I think I am lonely, and I've been so immersed in my own head lately that I've been totally oblivious to things going on around me. I've thought of so many story lines, and I was composing poetry today in my head - but of course when it comes to writing in my diary, I just can't think of anything to say anymore.

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