So I found out today what Caroline looks like. I couldn't take it any longer, 5 months of not asking one person finally drove me crazy. I knew that Jess had met her when she went out for sushi with everyone last week, so I just had to get a least a tiny bit of information out of her. What I got was this: she's loud and somewhat obnoxious, seemed young...and looks exactly like me.

That disturbs me on so many levels I don't know where to begin. She's short, blonde, and Jess said she looks so much like me that the entire way home it was all her, Tami and Breanne talked about. I have been analyzing this for the last hour and a half and I've decided that it really upsets me. I even cried for a few minutes after I heard about it - perhaps not just because she looks like me, probably because hearing about her in general pisses me off and I am so jealous I wish she would die.

Jess said that she thinks it proves that Cody hasn't really "moved on" as much as I have, at least not sub/unconsciously. I thought about that for a very long time, but I have concluded that I disagree. I've always known Cody likes blondes, and I think that girls who have my type of body/looks are simply the kind of girls he is attracted to. I'm not sure I think that it means anything, besides the fact that he likes small blonde girls. On the other hand, he did meet Caroline last summer when him and I were still very unresolved, and he was still "thinking" about our situation. I even thought him and I would get back together in August.

This is what is upsetting me. It isn't me that Cody was trying to get back through Caroline - it isn't Krista, it's just "the girlfriend". Essentially, Caroline took over my role. If she looks so much like me, why would Cody ever want me back? I'm no different than the girlfriend he has now. I mean of course I am different personality-wise, but when Cody looks at me now, I'm nothing special. So much for pulling the cute preppy blonde ex-girlfriend stint...he has a cute preppy blonde girlfriend of his own.

This makes the competition so much more fierce, too! I had always thought that I would be upset to hear that his girlfriend was tall, dark, exotic...anything different from me. I had assumed I'd feel as if that meant he never thought I was pretty, or that he thought another kind of girl was hotter...but now that I'm faced with Caroline, the evil long-lost twin - what the fuck. I have nothing to show off, nothing that is different than her. My cute act isn't going to work, because I've heard enough about how hot she is. I've said before how it drives me crazy hearing Jordan and the guys comment on how Caroline is hot, and now I hear she looks like me? I'm beyond confused and I feel like shit. It's like I was replaced by my hotter counterpart and I don't have anything to show her up.

I'm just realizing right now how bad I feel. I mean, I really feel like crap about this, and I want to go kick her ass.

Okay realistically, I know I am probably very different from her in many ways. The fact that the first thing Jess said about her was, "She was really loud" - that isn't something anyone would say about me after a first impression. She said she was loud, sort of obnoxious, and seemed and looked young. I told Jess that she actually is a year younger than us, which pisses me off even more. Where does Cody get off having a girlfriend that looks like me but is hotter and younger? That's just wrong. If I ever find out that she was a virgin, I will have to seriously kick someone's ass. Or go break something.

So I am not one to be classified as "loud and obnoxious" right off the bat, but you know who is? Cody. Cody is the most loud and obnoxious person I have ever known in my entire life. Nobody has surpassed him (and his friends) in being loud and obnoxious, so hey - maybe they are perfect for each other. Maybe that is why Cody and I fought constantly. I should be happy that he has found a girl as obnoxious as he is - they can be loud and annoying together forever, while I will be having a mature and intelligent relationship with someone who is caring and patient.

One thing I know about Cody is that he admires intelligence, and he is actually very bright himself. If I am smarter than Caroline, that might impress him -

WHAT AM I DOING

Why am I trying to think of ways to impress Cody! This is wrong on so many levels (note: the second time I've said "on so many levels" today). I should not be doing this, I shouldn't be thinking of ways to get him back...

I just can't help being disturbed by all of this. So if Caroline looks just like me, she must remind him of me once in a while. I wonder if he has ever called her by my name, or picked up the phone and thought of me instead of her...

...It was a slap in the face / How quickly I was replaced / And are you thinkin' of me when you fuck her...

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