I still feel ill but I am not sure what's wrong with me. I woke up this morning with a horrible headache and feeling incredibly tired and dizzy, even though I'd been sleeping for 10 hours or more.

All day I have felt so disoriented with my surroundings and I don't know why. Everything feels foriegn. It's almost as if I am not Krista, and this isn't my house. I'm trapped inside of someone I don't recognize and I forget where I am and who I am. I feel alienated from my life - how does that happen?

I think maybe it is all this crap I'm going through with my friends. I haven't talked to any of the high school ones all weekend, and I feel awful about it. It's a very lonely feeling when you are purposely not talking to people you grew up with. Maybe I am making the wrong decision...if only Cody had nothing to do with them. If only he'd just go away...

I've been thinking a lot about my birthday lately, which isn't for another couple months and it's already freaking me out. I'll be twenty and still living at home, which isn't so bad or abnormal I suppose, but at the same time I've been feeling awfully dependant lately. Everything is changing and it's as if I'm just standing here watching it all fly by. I'm scared of what's happening with friends, I'm scared of school, my job, everything. I don't want to fear the future so much, but I do. I feel like a three year old that wants to hide behind her mother's dress. I want to feel like an adult, but at the same time I wish I didn't have to grow up. It's this horrible in-between stage that is confusing me so badly. Teenager or adult? Dependant or indepedant? Focus my energy on school right now, or go out with my friends and party?

I should not have watched that damn show on 9/11 tonight. Now I'm feeling completely hopeless and depressed. It's just all so surreal, watching a home video of people jumping out of buildings to their deaths. Doing homework to the background noise of screaming and crashing, I just had to stop for a second and think, what the fuck? Here I am sitting on my bed, editing an essay and analyzing my own life to smitherines while people are dying on TV. Real people, who had loved ones and jobs and friends. They were alive on September 10, and now they're dead. They just jumped.

Things change so quickly. Everything you've ever known in your life can be destroyed in an instant. I went to bed one day feeling like a teenager, and woke up the next wondering what I am doing to myself and why. I want everything to be perfect, I don't want to screw up anything that could lead me in the right direction, and so I fear going out every weekend, I don't want to drink all of the time, I don't want to abandon my old friends because they're a part of who I am. I thought I had finally come to some sort of peace with myself, but now I'm faced with more confusion and frustration. All I ask for is some stability, and when I get it I complain that my life is too scheduled and restricted.

Real people woke up one morning, went to work to make a living, sat down at their desks and half an hour later they're jumping out the window. Some things just don't make sense. I was watching it happen on TV and I tried to think of a way that God could justify it all, but I don't know if everything works that way. Some things are just incomprehensible.

I feel this incredible urge to have a long, hard cry but I can't make myself do it. I don't know what happened to me, I used to cry very easily and for long periods of time, and now I can hardly cry for more than thirty seconds. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to feel hopeless. I'm tired of waiting for answers to come to me, I'm tired of waiting for things with Cody to really go away. I want to take charge of everything, fix it all up and say that I figured out all of life's mysteries and there is a logical reason for everything. I want the answers, but the more I search the more I get confused. At the same time, the less I search, the more useless I feel.

Partying too hard makes me feel selfish and stupid, but not going out at all turns me into a depressive analytical monster. Finding the right balance is key but then I am constantly floundering between wanting to party a lot, or wanting to analyze a lot.

I had this spontaneous daydream today that my father was killed in a car accident. I imagined myself screaming and having to be injected with drugs at the hospital, and after that I was totally immobilized. I started to cry thinking about my father dying unexpectedly, then I snapped out of it and asked myself why I was trying to make myself upset again. I want to cry so desperately that I'm creating imaginary scenerios in my head. I feel that if I took a picture of my brain right now, I'd be able to see the depression in bright red, oozing into my brain slowly, seeping into every crevice and every brain cell, trying to invade me again...

It scares me that after all of this soul searching, I really don't understand myself at all.


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