Stop. Start again.

"So, why'd you do it?"
"I don't know, why do people do anything?"
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Is it supposed to?"

Stop. Start again.

"So, why'd you do it?"
"Because I had to."
"What does that mean?"
"It means what it means."

Your mind may scream at you but your heart says it is right. You're a crazy bitch, so do it, give it up. Give up your dreams. Give up your desires, give up your lover, give up your wishes and hopes. Give up your life. Give it all up, all of it, until nothing remains - give it all up until you're left with the barest essence of you, naked and trembling and alone and facing the world, not ready, not brave, crying but not wanting to, but without a choice. How could you do this? No choice, no choice, you don't have a choice anymore, do you?

Take a knife, sharpen the edge, and thrust it into your chest. Take a gun, hold it to your head, and pull the trigger. Take a rope, loop it around your neck, kick away that chair and see what happens.

God, punish me for my sins, by whatever methods you may choose, deem me unworthy to live upon this earth. My sins are mine and only I alone can atone for them. One...Two...Three...Four...Five...Six...Seven...Eight...Nine...Ten....

There is no more solace in his arms, and the warmth of his smile relieves no pain. Love in his eyes forgives no sin. Shelter me, relieve me, forgive me. Hold me, hold me to your chest, never letting go, brushing away the tears from my face as I cry to you, my only love, kiss me tenderly, softly, understand me, understand my sorrow, my pains, share with me my losses...love me.

Wait for the time. Pray that this is your chance, hope that it will be over soon and wish that it were already. Cry when it's not. Another life, another loss, the light dims and fades and dies. Now, take your hand and wrap it around her neck, squeezing tightly, slowly, watching the color fade from her skin to a death white, so pale and fragile and delicate, squeezing every bit of life out that cold bitch...her body falls to the floor in a crumpled heap. You weep, and a scream rings out as she falls to the floor. A thousand petals rain across her face, her body, twirling, covering her, like a soft blanket, protective, warm, and shielding her. I fall to the floor and it is me screaming, but a thousand shrieks of laughter run through my mind, my soul, taunting me, mocking me, like a transparent sheet, exposing and cold, revealing me. The plea from my lips is for his return. And finally, after the bits and pieces have been found, picked up, you will discard them once again for something else, for something better. You may still hang onto the smallest one, staring at it, for hope, for light - a reminder. A reminder of who you are, where you are, what you stand for, why you are here, when you can be free, and how you can find the path. God, for my sins - pull the trigger and see what happens...

"So, why'd you do it?"
"Because I had to."
"Says who?"
"Forget about it."

Stop. Start again.

"So, why'd you do it?"
"Because I had to."
"I don't understand."
"You wouldn't."

Stop. Start again.

"Do you regret it?"

Silence.

"Do I regret it? Yes. God, yes."


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