Friday I had to go to my great grandmother's funeral, which was my first real funeral ever. I actually didn't cry, but I was sort of weirded out looking at the casket and knowing that she was dead in there. Just laying there...dead. The service was very nice though, lots of scripture readings and prayers, I liked how it was more religious than I was expecting it to be. I also learned afterwards that my granny was a huge hockey and football fan all the way into her senior years, and had seasons tickets to both the Lions and the Canucks. My dad told me how she used to take him when he was young and she'd get up and scream and yell at the players and the refs, which I thought was hilarious because that's exactly like me! A psychotic love for hockey must run in my family.

So the funeral was nice, but it was pouring rain and my brother and dad and uncles had to carry the casket through ankle-deep mud and we all had to stand around freezing our asses off while more scripture was read. My brother and I were starving and couldn't wait to get back to my grandma's, where a little reception thing was being held. So we went back there and I ate a lot of little sandwichs and fruit and anything I could get my hands on because I had to go to work in a couple hours.

Friday was also Jeff's birthday, a friend from high school I haven't seen in a while and don't particularly miss anyway, but he was planning on having a big party for his birthday at a club that's an hour drive from us. I did want to go and even offered to drive, but we'd have to leave right after I got off work, which meant I had to bring all of my makeup and clothes to work with me. It was a real pain in the ass, but I did it and at work probably talked on the phone for two hours total trying to figure out who was going, who was driving, etc. It was the most frustrating thing in the world because plans kept changing, people kept backing out and then changing their mind again, that sort of thing. I was super stressed and so hungry I actually felt like I was going to throw up. I tried very hard to calm down, because half of the big issue was that I wasn't sure if Cody was going or not, in which case I wouldn't go, in which case half the people wouldn't have a ride...etcetera.

To make a very long, stessful and painful story short, almost everyone I was going to go with initially decided to go to a completely different club with Cody instead, after I'd made it totally clear to every single one of them that I wasn't going to go if he did, and that it was important to me and I wasn't ready to see him. I was a little more than pissed, and I still am. In fact, I've decided I am officially not friends with any of those girls anymore. That was the final straw. I really want nothing to do with any of them and I don't give a fuck about it. I'm just so fed up with all of that bullshit I don't want to deal with it anymore.

So I cried all the way through closing at work, then went home with all of my stuff and made plans with Shell, Jess and Steph to go to Milestone's. We got all dolled up and planned on just sitting around in different restaraunts looking super hot and leaving it at that, but the best thing in the world happened! Remember Mark, hottie who had two classes with me last semester and is a host at Milestone's? I am sure I've mentioned him before, but anyway he was working, and I talked to him a bit more than usual while he was seating us. After I was a little drunk, I told one of the waitresses I know there to tell Mark that I think he's cute (I still can't believe I did that), and I guess she told him because while I was leaving he came up to me and started talking to me more and I was so nervous, but it went well. I talked to the waitress (Lindsay) after that and she said that when she told him, he was super surprised and said, "What?! I always thought she didn't like me!". So that was my big progression of the night.

Some more stuff happened that night but I can't write it all down or this will be even longer than I know it will already be. Basically, we ended up getting really drunk at three different places, had a lot of weird encounters with random guys and it was a nice fun night away from my ex-friends.

Saturday, I slept in and went to lunch with Jess later on, then meant to go to the library to take out my books for my History essay I really should have started this weekend, but instead I ended up going to the mall and buying a new pair of pants and two shirts. Later on I went to Boston Pizza with Shell, Anna, Danny, Lindsey and Nev, which was a much anticipated night because I hadn't seen Danny in a long time and Boston Pizza is our traditional drinking place because it was always the one place that never ID'd us. So we got drunk at BP and somehow ended up at the playground of an elementary school nearby, where cops were trying to close us in when we had open alcohol plus Anna was trying to buy weed of some guys who were walking to meet us. Just as the guys showed up in the parking lot, a cop car circled the lot but didn't stop, so we went to McDonalds where Anna and Lindsey and some of the guys smoked up while I sat with Danny and Shell really wanting to go home because I had a headache. After half an hour or so I was getting really frustrated and bitchy, and so was Shell. We actually had our first real fight, which makes me sort of sad because we've never yelled at each other once in our entire lives until last night. But all is forgiven today. So I went home very very tired and headachy, fell asleep and had a dream about Cody which I sort of forget today, thank God.

Woke up this morning 6 hours later and went to work all day, where my feet hurt very much and I was struggling to stay awake. The only thing keeping me alive and interested was the hockey game. I went straight home after work, changed, Blake picked me up about three minutes later and we went to church. Now I'm home, very hungry, tired, I didn't do any homework this weekend and I drank way too much.

I feel somewhat liberated knowing I'm attempting to break the ties with those old friends who apparently were never really my friends. It will be a slow process and I know I cannot just dismiss them all like that, it will take time...and I'm already giving in thinking of forgiving Shannon. How could I not? We've been next door neighbours since we were five. It's a matter of history and not a whole lot else, but history is such a strong factor in relationships. On the other hand, every single time there has been a choice between Cody or me, she's chosen Cody. I'm sick of feeling so hurt and then as if I'm not supposed to care. I've always blown off my own feelings, saying to myself that he's their friend too and they're allowed to hang out with him, and I shouldn't be upset...but this is every single time. I said to Shannon on Friday, "Shan you know I'm not going to come, you know that. You know this hurts me", and she said, "Well...it's really hard...". Yeah, it's really fucking hard to choose my ex-boyfriend over someone who supposedly was your best friend.

Very soon Michelle and I are going to go hiking, on a quest to find spiritual fulfillment. We decided that part of the reason we were yelling at each other last night is because of this whole unresolved issues thing we both have inside us. We're simply not at peace. She came up with this huge plan to hike the Chief, sit at the top with a blanket and just talk about everything and somehow come to a peace with everything that has happened in our lives. I'm a little skeptical of whether I'll actually feel some sort of resolution after hiking, because I believe that Cody is the major player in my unresolved conflicts issue and I'm not sure if I can just come to peace on my own without having talked to him. But if she wants to try it, I'm game. Hiking it is...if anything, I can soak in a little bit of the natural beauty I'm usually quite ignorant towards. I know I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, but I tend to only see the clouds and the rain.

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