I feel so fed up today. I'm just frustrated with so many things. My lack of a love life, for one. I know I'm not really trying hard enough, but should I have to try? I had it all planned out that the next time I see Cody, I'd have a boyfriend to show off. I know that's a horrible reason for being with someone, to show off to your ex but it's not like I'd just date any random guy, of course I have to like him and everything. I just want that little smidge of gratification, knowing I haven't talked to Cody in months and then showing up out of nowhere with a new guy and hardly giving him a second look.

I'm really disappointed in myself and I think that is why I've been feeling a little depressed this week. I've been having so many dreams about Cody lately and I really don't understand what's happening inside me. I was saying this a couple entries ago, about how I've been feeling like I really miss him again, and I do. I had really bad dreams again last night, about me chasing after him trying to talk to him, and him rejecting me. I think I was crying in my sleep because when I woke up it was 4 in the morning and my face and pillow felt damp and my eyes felt puffy.

I was contemplating whether or not I still love him, and I'm disappointed to conclude that I do. I wish I didn't, but I really do love him. I know that he's an arrogant, selfish jerk and he's hurt me in so many ways, yet I know I could forgive him for anything. If he was to stand at my door right now and say, "Krista, I'm really sorry about everything" and leave it at that, it would be enough for me. I know I'd be with him again in a second if he ever came back, and that is really depressing. I don't want to be like that but I can't help feeling the way I do for him. It frustrates my friends to know I still love him, and it frustrates me knowing my friends don't understand plus that I know I'm just putting myself through more pain. Loving Cody is like a pain that never ends, but I don't know how to make it go away. We fought constantly when we were together, I'd cry almost every day because of him. And now, being apart from him hurts even worse. Cody, both in my life and out, causes me more pain that anyone else in my life. If I had a choice I would want to be with him, because it doesn't feel as empty. This still feels like a part of me is missing. I'm lonely without him, and it's been almost a year and a half. A year and a half...

Now I'm starting to cry thinking about everything. This is horrible, I want it to stop but I can't escape Cody no matter how hard I try. I feel like it's been years since I've talked to him, but it hasn't even been two months. Every day that goes by feels like another week, until I start thinking I've been doing so well with this and I realize the last time I said that was yesterday. I feel like I have to work so hard to make each day go by.

I don't want to fall back down into the pit I thought I had finally climbed out of. Lately I've wanted to skip school and spend days in bed crying. For the last week I've dreaded waking up in the morning, because the task of getting out of bed, showering and getting ready for school takes so much energy out of me. I haven't been sleeping well at all and the dreams have come back out of nowhere. I've felt more self-conscious, putting myself down for eating too much or not exercising enough. These are bad habits and signs of this depression I think is in me for good. I want it to just go away, but I still haven't even let go of my past. I tried to, but it came back to haunt me through my dreams. Everything is Cody, everything...I say my life isn't centered around Cody anymore, but what is my main struggle? Forgetting about Cody, moving on, trying not to be jealous. Maybe I am not concentrated on loving Cody, but he is still a huge part of my life. I'm centered on trying to get rid of him, but he won't go away.

I wish I knew what it is about him exactly that I am so attached to, because I know he treated me like shit and our relationship had zero trust whatsoever. I could go on and on about his negative qualities, but those good things about him must really outweigh the bad. That, or I'm just totally in denial and think he's wonderful because he was my first serious boyfriend, and the first guy I slept with. At the time I didn't think it was that big a deal to me, but now it is. I used to read those magazines that would try to discourage teenage sex by getting 19 and 20 year olds quoted as saying, "I lost my virginity when I was 16 and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I'd waited." I'd read that and think, what is wrong with these people, I was 16 and I don't regret it one bit. Of course now that I'm almost 20, look what I'm saying.

I could say a lot right now. I could go on about how much I miss him, wish he were here, all the same stuff I've been saying for a year and a half. I'm trying not to get myself into that rut, I'm trying to say to myself, No I most certainly do not miss him, he doesn't deserve me, and the rest. It's all just so energy consuming, and I wish I didn't have to think about it at all. I wish I didn't dream about it. Sometimes I wish I'd just develop amnesia and only forget about his existence.

It's one of my guy friends' birthdays tomorrow, or shall I say former friend considering I haven't really talked to him since September. He's friends with Cody still, and I know he wants to go out for his birthday tomorrow. I can't stop thinking about whether Cody will come, or if people are going somwhere Cody is going (in which case I guess I wouldn't go), or if anyone has seen Cody recently, or if he's going up to visit Cody. Does Cody have reading break right now? I don't even know. I know nothing about him.

I will only see Cody again once I have another guy with me. I'm desperately in love with Tal and Dustin, but I don't know either of them that well. I saw Dustin again at school today briefly, and we smiled at each other. I felt this yearning to run to him again. I want to hug him so much and I don't know why. It's an incredible physical attraction, but I just feel so disgusting and worthless this week. I don't think any guy could love me right now. Sometimes I think Cody is really the only guy in the world that can handle me, and I lost him.


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