I've been thinking about changing my major again, I don't know to what. I would love to major in History but I don't know what I'd do with my life with a degree in History. I don't necessarily want to be a History teacher, I'd much rather teach English, but getting a C+ on that essay has really discouraged me. This happens every single time I get less than a B in English, I start freaking out and thinking I'm not as good as I think I am, who am I kidding, why am I taking English Lit, I won't ever get good enough grades at UBC to Master in it...

I wish I were one of those people who has known what they want to be since Grade 3 and doesn't have a doubt in their mind what they want to major in. What do I like at school? Well I haven't taken every course there is obviously, but I like History, Sociology, Psychology, any kind of cultural studies, and English when I'm getting higher than a B. I've thought about changing my major to Psychology and doing counselling or social work, and I really think I could do that. I just feel this calling for English that I can't explain, and I feel guilty every time I meander away from it.

School has been consuming me lately. I'm torn between really caring about my education, or having fun and partying while I still can. Phase after phase. Why am I so confused about my life right now? I'm craving stability but it seems that I can't find it. Spending my days and nights thinking, worrying, and studying for school is satsifying for maybe a day or two, but then I get lonely. So I go out with friends and party, coming back after a couple of days having adopted their attitudes and wanting to live it up. Then I start to feel guilty, freak out about school, and get back into the routine of staying home every night staring at Biology formulas. If I could find a happy medium I think I would be fine, but perhaps it is the dual personality getting in my way. I can't settle on a happy medium because of major conflicting attitudes within me. Remember this? One part goody-goody studying girl, one part party girl, both very strong and equal in their parts. Coming to some balance would be like betraying a little bit of both, wouldn't it?

Here is the analysis. I think that I am desperately seeking the balance but I cannot constrain myself. If I go out, maybe the party girl goes a little nuts and I'm high off of that attitude for a couple days. Out of guilt, I must then overcompensate the goody-goody part for the next little while to make up for the partying, in an attempt to balance the two, and there we have it. A roller coaster personality ride. It's quite exhausting and confusing. I accept that I may in fact have a dual personality, even multiple personality, but that doesn't necessarily mean I feel content with it. In a lot of ways it's very beneficial, but during this whole "finding myself" thing sometimes I don't know where I stand. Maybe I found myself, and the fact is that I do have conflicting interests within me and I have to embrace that.

I was evaluating myself earlier today on the whole individuality issue, and I think I am doing pretty damn well. I may think about Cody still, but I don't need him to live my life. A few months ago I could have never imagined myself cutting off all communication with him. In fact I think I either wrote in here or my real journal about how I would always call him every two weeks or so, just to say hi, and how that would never, ever change. I love when I say things that are disproved a mere month later, because it really shows my progressions.

In January I had been thinking about whether or not I should go back on a very low dose of medicine, maybe even half-caps of anti-depressants just for that extra "kick", to really help me get better. Not as anything to be dependant on, just for that little bit of extra help. I still think of it sometimes, but I don't know if I really do need it. I like to think I am fairly normal now, even though I'm not quite sure what normal is. I still cry sometimes, and I get jealous, but I've always been a very emotional person...

Some people feel that it's shameful to have to take medication for depression, as if it represents failure. They think that you should be able to handle it yourself, and if you cannot you are weak or lazy. I used to feel so ashamed when I first started taking them and I don't know why I did. Now, I wouldn't hesitate for a second to admit that I have taken medicine and that it really did help me, no matter how awful some of the side effects were. It hurts me a little to know that others see that as a sign of weakness, because I know I am not weak. I'm not lazy or dysfunctional or stupid, and I never was.

I don't know what to think about the issue of anti-depressants being over-prescribed and being seen as some kind of easy way out of the troubles in your life. Some say we should just suck it up and handle it ourselves, but I don't think they really understand what depression feels like. I also think that maybe they should take a look at what exactly that is saying about society, besides the accusation that greedy doctors are going nutty with prescriptions. So many people are depressed, and if a little medicine can help them out of it, what's wrong with it? You say, it's wrong because you should be able to be happy on your own without a dependance on drugs. But when you're depressed, artificial happiness is better than anything else you could ever imagine, and with experiencing the relief that comes with medication does that not help you realize that living really isn't so bad, so that one day you can meds free and appreciate your life?

I think my experience with medication motivated me to really get better for myself without it, so didn't it do it's job brilliantly?

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