The strangest sensation came over me in class today and out of nowhere I felt this incredible jealousy. I started thinking about Cody and his girlfriend and in a matter of two seconds I literally teared up right in the middle of lecture. Out of nowhere. Being the psychology guru I am (riiiight) I think that some kind of inner conflicts a la Sigmund Freud are going on in my unconscious mind. I really cannot comprehend why I am having really bad dreams about Cody lately, or why I've been having little crying outbursts. The same thing happened last night in bed - I turned off the light and all of a sudden I really, really missed him. I missed him in the old way, the way where I really missed him, not just the idea of having a boyfriend, and the jealousy hurt so badly. I started to cry and wished I were his girlfriend still and imagined him coming back someday soon and about us being together, and how much better it was going to be the second time around. Why is this really bothering me? Something must be very unresolved, and I've repressed it so far that it's coming back to haunt me in little ways.

Really, I think our entire break up as a whole is still to this day totally unresolved and that might just be what my conflict is. Just the fact that we never made peace. I know I am not at peace with it, or I would have been over this a while ago. I would have at least been able to shake the bitter feelings I have towards him and I'd be able to hang out with my old friends again, even knowing that they're still friends with him. But it still hurts me so much, and I think it's because I am really not okay with this situation. I've talked myself into believing that I am okay with it, and that I'm moving on, and I'm trying so very hard but no matter what I do it doesn't change the fact that things between Cody and I are still unresolved. I will never be his friend until I can sit down with him and talk to him about everything, and really make peace with him. The chances of that happening are virtually zero, so basically I'm screwed over for the rest of my life until he can be a man and spend time with me to - gasp - talk about his feelings. I know it wouldn't matter if I told him how important it is to me, bla bla etcetera. He's the kind to believe that some things are just better left alone and that talking about anything with me is only making the matter worse. I'd tell him to get over himself, but there isn't any point now.

I need to find a way to accept everything that's happened to me in the last year and a half without having to rely on talking to Cody. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know, because I'm really at a loss here. The only real thing I can come up with is, get a boyfriend already and fall in love with someone else. But then we're back to the whole I'm too scared to fall in love with someone else because of my unresolved past pain deal. I don't know the way out of this.

WHY is my diary coming up with so many google hits? Maybe I'm being paranoid but this is really unusual. Just today I got one for "Krista Lindsey", "Women of Spirit", "Rage", "Cody too much fun", and "I got what you need by Eve". I guess I mentioned that song once, but for God's sake why would my diary of all websites come up first for a search like that?


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