It didn't take me very long to find the fourteen letters I had saved on my computer that were either suicide letters addressing many people, suicide letters to Cody specifically, or general letters to Cody (most of which I had given him). I did come across one in particular however, which didn't fit any of those categories and couldn't be a more perfect "letter-never-sent". I had completely forgotten about it. So I posted it here. It's long, I know, but very raw and powerful, so read it. Please? I spent some time reading all of those Cody letters. Several of them made me cry. Most of them made me cringe at certain points. The suicide ones were totally lame, obviously my way of trying to blame all of my pain on him. They start out heartbreakingly sad, then twenty lines down or so begin guilt-tripping like you wouldn't believe. "I'm only doing this so you can be happy, I hope you understand that". Oh Lord, no wonder this guy hates me.
The one that touched me the most was actually one of the earlier ones, from January 2001. I want to post it here, and it's really not that long. Actually it's only one page typed, compared to some of them which are eight (I'm not joking). Perhaps another day I will. Reading it made me want to be his girlfriend again - bad, bad, bad. It was just so sweet. If only men could see how passionate I am - that is, if men like women who are that passionate. I had never realized until I read that one letter over how fiercely romantic I am. I could feel all of the love I have for him practically jumping off of the screen. I used all our nicknames for each other, made him promise not to forget about me, and promised him that I'd always be there for him no matter what, that he could call me at three in the morning if he needed to. I even cautioned him to be careful when he went back to school and not to drink too much, and remember to study. Lots of "You know I'll always be your girl" type stuff that makes me just want to lay on the floor and cry my eyes out. I miss being a devoted girlfriend, I miss loving someone else like that. I miss being there for someone.
I don't know why I can't fall in love with anyone else. Sometimes I feel like I've grown this shield around my heart so that I can never let Cody out or anyone else in. When I start to like a guy, I find reasons not to. For someone who doesn't completely sweep me off my feet, I tend to think, what's the point? I am so afraid of being hurt like that again, although I know the second time around will not be as bad. I know I've learned how to cope with my emotional self.
I'm craving intimacy, and I don't think it is just sexual frustration. I need the touch of someone else, I need a guy to hold my hips and press himself against me. Run his fingers through my hair and kiss me. I just want to be in someone's arms. My favourite feeling in the whole world was to be snuggled up to Cody, when his arms were around me and I could rest my hand on his chest and nuzzle my lips against his neck. At those times I felt so in harmony with him, as if were we one person. I loved his body, his scent, his skin, everything. Sometimes we'd fall asleep like that, and when I'd wake up I could feel his heart beating and I wouldn't wake him up, I'd just let his chest rise and fall, and listen to his breathing, put my hand under his shirt and feel his stomach. I didn't think I could ever be happier than I felt at those times.
I just need to find a guy who understands me completely. There has to be one out there. I want a guy who can be totally devoted, passionate and romantic while at the same time maintaining his male-ness, if that makes any sense. I think I need to start searching the world for my soul mate.
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